It's like we are looking for new ways to win. Would you look at that, here comes a team who was led by a derpy quarterback last season to steal a win. Now this season it wouldn't be stealing. It would still be theft of some kind but like only a misdemeanor. As I have stated many articles before, I can continue to drop hate bombs all over the place and I am especially pissed about the Ravens. So I think its time to look for the signal.
Thanks Maximus. Let's do this!
1) Philip Rivers Face
That is a face that only his mama could love. But man oh man, do I ever want to punch the hell out of that face. He makes some of the bitchiest, sarcastic, borderline mental faces on the sideline. You can literally google "Philip Rivers face" and get emotion selections on the photo page. Hopefully this ass clown is making a frowny face come the end of the game this week.
2) Philip Rivers voice
Rarely do I select one player for two different reasons to hate on someone but I purely hate his,"aw shucks," attitude. It's confusing. Did someone change the channel to a Dukes of Hazard rerun? Is Forrest Gump on? Am I watching Nascar? Are we in pit row? I just saw you crying like a little baby on the sideline but now you sound like you are about to sell me a used car covered in BBQ sauce. Like here is an example of an interview with Rivers.
"Well Philip what did you see out there today when you threw 2 interceptions in the fourth?'
"Well my mama always said that sharing was caring, now if you'll excuse me I gotta fix my bolo tie."
What the hell is the deal with that? I know you are a man of the south but not the DEEP south. You aren't an oil tycoon, fried chicken salesman, cowboy or my great grandfather. My great grandfather wore them, he was awesome. I'm going to need you to remove them from your wardrobe, IMMEDIATELY, as you are in fact...NOT AWESOME!
3) So many LTs
No, no there isn't. There is one and he loves young girls, cocaine and breaking Joe Theismann's leg on national television. Wu-Tang never rapped about you in one of their verses so you lose Ladainian. Perhaps there is still some rage over you TD vulturing a younger RB back when I decided against getting you in fantasy when you were nearly 100 years old in RB years. RB years, fun fact, equivalent to dog years. On a serious note, LT = Lawrence Taylor ONLY!
4) Antonio Gates please....just retire already
You are just killing every wide receivers value in fantasy. Your first week back you styled on everyone and you have made my late pick of Stevie Johnson look pretty stupid. It actually didn't look dumb until your large and in charge self came back from your PED suspension. Ya jerk. I should beat you up in a hot tub like Ruxin did in The League! The worst thing about him is his confusing fantasy output. You play him, 0-4 points. You sit him. 29 points. WTF?!?!?!?!?
5) The city was the centerpiece for one of the greatest comedies of a generation
You stay classy Ron Burgundy! If you don't know about Anchorman you're life hasn't been too much fun. Whammo! Anyway, the damn movie is so awesome, so quotable and so helps me getting this last thing in just so I can say that San Diego is German for a whale's vagina. Totally not Spanish, it's one of life's great mysteries. It's just not fair. I mean, I guess we did have Major League 2. Nope, not the same. DAMN YOU SAN DIEGO!
Well there you have it kiddos. We gonna win a home game? That would be great. I have had steeler fans elbow deep in my butt since we haven't won a home game yet. That sounded...gross. We should have won at least 1 home game by now. WHY CAN'T WE WIN?!? Until we hate again.
Well folks it's Halloween week, fellow Purple Reign writer Ashley Anderson and I were having this recent interaction...
"With the upcoming doom of our season, I almost forgot that Halloween is Saturday. It got me thinking about some of the scariest and most intimidating Ravens of all time," I said.
"Yes, Brandan, this has certainly been a haunted season in Baltimore, but we should focus on the bright side. There have been a number of terrifying guys donning purple and black throughout the years, and luckily they were only out to frighten opponents," she said.
What followed were numerous emails back and forth regarding who in Ravens history were some of the most intimidating, fear inducing, baddest mofos to ever wear the purple and black. It was by far the most productive lunch hour I have ever had. So without further adieu, let’s take a look at the top five scariest Ravens who were sure to cause nightmares for the rest of the league.
5. Tony "Goose" Siragusa
Ashley's Take - You wouldn’t think Siragusa was all that intimidating, but you would be wrong. During his five seasons in Baltimore, Goose was a beast at the defensive tackle position. He only recorded 5.5 sacks as a Raven, but he frequently gobbled up double teams to spring other defenders free. Standing in at 6’4,” 340 pounds, his size alone caused opponents to wither in fear, and he played with an arrogance that made him all the more intimidating.
Brandan's take - This is the one I had to make sure was on the list! Sure Goose was a maniac on the field but think of the fear he imposed during training camp on not only the rookies but the veterans as well. His pranks were legendary and part of the reason Hard Knocks had to start in Baltimore. Without Goose, Ray Lewis wouldn't have been the dominant force he was that season and he sure plugged the whole with the best of them. I mean, the defense was arguably the best ever. The best thing is, when the battle was over, he probably would make you some delicious ribs to help you heal from his hits. Rich Gannon still feels that hit that knocked him out back in 2000.
4. Jonathan Ogden
Ashley's Take - J.O. was the Ravens’ first draft pick when the franchise came to Baltimore in 1996. A monster of a man at a massive 6’9,” 345 pounds, Ogden stonewalled opponents on the blindside. A nightmare for defensive coordinators, he was nearly impossible to beat, leading to his election in the Hall of Fame.
Brandan's Take - One of the greatest left tackles to ever play the game, all Ozzie Newsome did in 1996 was draft hall of famers in the first round. J.O. turned most pass rushers into babies when they attempted to get after the slew of QBs we had. Only a few pass rushers had his number, very few.
3. Terrell Suggs
Ashley's take - When quarterbacks look across the line of scrimmage to see Sizzle waiting on the other side, it tends to strike fear in their hearts. Over the course of his career, Suggs has amassed a staggering 106.5 sacks, seven interceptions, and 27 forced fumbles. Long after Ben Roethlisberger retires, he will still see Suggs in his dreams and find himself waking up in a cold sweat. Happy haunting, Ben!
Brandan's take - First and foremost, IT'S THE SUGGERNAUT! Along with his fantastic numbers, Suggs is by far the greatest trash talker in Ravens history. Look it up. I'll wait. Here, I'll help you out. "His (Big Ben's) soul may belong to God, but his ass belongs to me." That will haunt you in your sleep. If you have a few years you could read up on all his hate towards Tom "Big Baby" Brady. By far the best pass rusher in franchise history.
2. Ed Reed
Ashley's Take - Few defenders can get into an opponent’s head like Ed Reed could. His presence in the secondary was extremely unnerving, and he would make QBs pay for throwing the ball in his direction. Like a killer stalking his prey, Reed would swoop in from out of nowhere to intercept passes, taking many of them back for touchdowns. With Hannibal Lecter-like mind games, Reed seemed to always manipulate opponents into making deadly mistakes.
Brandan's Take - He did enjoy his interceptions with some fava beans and a nice chiante. The best part about him was his play making ability. It caused numerous opposing coaches to have Freddy Krueger-esque nightmares about having to face Reed week to week. Special teams? No problem, just blocking punts and taking it to the house. Defense? Child please, interceptions and taking it to the house. No matter what, he always wanted the defense to score, his laterals were some of the most terrifying things to Raven fans.
1. Ray Lewis
Ashley's take - As the face of the franchise, there was no one more intimidating than Ray Lewis. He delivered not just powerful, motivating speeches, but also crushing tackles. Always the first person to bounce off the ground, Lewis made it his business to punish anyone who crossed his path. A run-in with Lewis surely meant an ice bath after the game.
Brandan's take - Ray Lewis single handedly ruined Eddie George's career. Kids, back when you used to be able to lay down crushing blows onto an opponent, Ray was a master at the task. It's what earned him being the 7th most feared tackler in NFL history. I won't let my or Ashley's words describe how bone crushing his tackles were. Just check out his hit list.
I feel like we are missing some people, we just couldn't leave a few people out.
Honorable mention: Steve Smith Sr.
Ashley's take - Though his career with the Ravens won’t be as long as the guys who made the list, Smith has been a force to be reckoned with in Baltimore. From his trash talking to his unmatched toughness, Smith embodies what it means to be a scary competitor. Every time he takes the field, he is looking to leave blood and guts in his wake. In his final season, he is sure to destroy all of his opponents.
Brandan's take - This is the main reason I tune in for a Ravens game these days. His trash talk is up there with Suggs and just so quotable you can't help but love the guy on your team. He will ride with you, he will die with you and if you cross him, he will punish you. I'm pretty sure he's gonna get fined for whatever he does to Lawrence Timmons for messing up his back.
Less-Than-Honorable Mention: Ray Rice in an elevator
Ashley's Take– Too soon? I think not. Like meeting up with your worst enemy in a back alley, no one wants to ride an elevator with Ray Rice.
Brandan's Take - It's never too soon. I'm not scared at all of him on the field. Hell we could give it to him 4 times and not get a first down. Thanks Ray! No I will NOT get on that elevator with you sir. Stop it!
How Could We Forget?: Michael Jackson
Ashley's Take – In true Halloween spirit, we’ve gotta give a shout-out to Baltimore’s own MJ. He may not have lived at the Neverland Ranch, but he could sometimes be a Thriller.
Okay so, we're terrible. We're more than likely not going to the postseason and perhaps we should start watching some prospects for the draft. Unfortunately we aren't in the NFC East where 7-9 might win the division. However, just because our team is awful doesn't mean I can't hate our opponents guts. Besides, all your spirits need lifting, I have heard how depressed people sound on sports radio. It's like our dog died.
Nonetheless, the hate shall flow through me...
1) It's a dry heat...
First of all, its f-ing hot. Let's just leave it at that. This isn't a damn Science class where I need you to explain the humidity differences and blah blah. It's 100+, I don't wanna hear that crap. It's like the most common thing you hear about when people talk about traveling or living in Arizona. Convos go like this..
"Hey buddy, where did you say you went on vacation?"
"We went out west to Arizona."
"Oh man, was it hot?"
"Yeah but it's different, it's a dry heat."
Shut up, just shut the hell up. Talk about the desert, or the desserts you had in the desert you non-spelling fools. Just stop talking about the damn heat.
2) They literally die on our fantasy roster
I have been playing fantasy sports for what feels like an eternity. Without a shadow of a doubt, every damn time I draft a Cardinal player with some upside he gets hurt. Yes, it's usually a running back. I to this day would still punch Tim Hightower in the face. That goalline vulture was fantastic for me in his rookie season. So I kept getting him, injury, poor performance lose job. In recent years it has been Andre Ellington. Oh what's that? You drafted one of the infinite quarterbacks they had in recent memory? Well I mean, they only had three start last year. Oh you drafted their stellar defense? Their leading pass rusher gets hurt. It's like Bad Luck Brian with this team. Drafts Andre Ellington, Tears ACL in Week 2.
3) They didn't beat the Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII
This would give the Steelers their 6th championship and an infinite amount of time to talk trash until someone wins a 6th or we go 2-14 with both wins being against the Steelers. That would be awful for everyone involved. However, this also gave us the longest play in Super Bowl history as we all got to time James Harrison scamper (huff, puff and nearly die) on his 100 yard return. My wife lost her mind...I just had to sit there and smile. In case you forgot (enjoy the Madden flashback)
Thanks again for that memory Arizona(and Kurt Warner). You let us down.
4) For the first time in as long as I can remember, we were a sure thing to bet against
Okay, you aren't ignorant. There are gamblers out there and prognosticators who pick games for a living. Generally, if you don't know how it works, they pick a few games and then will pick their "locks of the week," "guarandamntee of the week," "sure thing of the week," or "we ran out of creative ways to say this pick of the week." This week on ESPN, one of their talking heads (might have been cousin Sal from Jimmy Kimmel) dropped the Cardinals as his sure thing this week. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think the man has a bad choice there. We are god awful and this Arizona defense is relentless. That being said....it still pissed me off. Being a bad team sucks.
5) Larry Fitzgerald has found the fountain of youth
Remember when his decline meant the end of his career? Well, so much for that. He has been on a stellar run (which while great for my fantasy team sucks for my actual team). Fitz is starting to look like he will have one of those Steve Smith Sr. seasons like Smith had last year. Great for about half the season (like if you have Fitz on fantasy you should have traded him 2 weeks ago) and then fall off. Honestly he has already started to. I assure you that he will gain "man among bitches" status for this game as our secondary is lackluster to say the least. This team is full of weapons as it is, honestly two is three too many for the Ravens secondary to worry about.
Well there you have it. No matter how much our team falters, I will still hate with the best of them. Although, I have to say, we might be due for a list of things that are pissing me off about the Ravens. I'm an equal opportunity hater. I damn near hate everyone! Until we hate again.
I know people. How can one man continue his hatred of other franchises when his team is in such disarray. Well, it's pretty damn easy. Just keep the hate strong and maybe a win will come along to make it that much sweeter. Besides, we all need to laugh at this point. Sure, we made Josh McCown look like Joe Montana, the good news is that the last guy mentioned retired years ago. So when we head to San Fran we are playing another bad team.
So without further adieu, let's get this hate train rolling!
1)Colin Kaepernick...is a terrorist
Or is he Squidward, some midget in a Spiderman costume, Gonzo from the Muppets, a large nosed monkey? No one truly nose....errr I mean knows. Honestly just think of someone, anyone with a big nose and that is your guy. Your accountant? You betcha! Skeeter from Doug? Why the hell not?!? The guy has a ski slope for a nose and a dirt spot on his chin, pretty easy target bro. Might as well wear a dart board on your back.
credit: NFL Memes
2) Who's got it better than them....
Well currently not us, however Michigan seems to be better than them. Half the league seems to be better than both of us. How about we let that one die with Jim Harbaugh rolling out of town. This was just an annoying thing that they did that really just pissed me off. It's much worse than whodey, whodat, here we go....wait, nothing is more annoying than that damned Steeler song. Anyway...shut up niner fans.
3) For the last time, you LOST the damn Super Bowl in 2013
credit; sportsmemes.net
Okay, we know, calls were missed. You don't have to be so butthurt about it. Saying the game was fixed because of Ray Lewis (who maybe you should have exploited more cause he couldn't cover a damn thing in that game) is bogus. The game was fixed because your idiotic coach got too cute and gave up on the run when it was CLEARLY working late in the game. The game was fixed because of over a half hour delay when the Ravens were DESTROYING you which allowed your niners to get back in the game. The game was fixed because Jimmy Smith interfered with Crabtree, he held him. Well...that part even Smith admitted was true. However....run the damn ball. As a former fan of this team in my youth (when Montana was king) I understand your frustration but as a current fan of my hometown Ravens I've got two words for ya...
4) Your coach looks like a porn star
While I have to debate with myself if that is awesome or not, I gotta say that the amount of memes with him and Ron Jeremy are bugging the living hell out of me. I mean there really isn't much more to say about this other than show you these...
I know that last one is just Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force but that one is a classic. Total classic.
5) Jesus, we know 5 championships
Now there are a lot of memes with old ladies in them talking about the last living cheerleader when the niners won. While that was nearly 20 years ago (Young over the Chargers), the memes are just ridiculous. Mostly from Seahawks bandwagoners no doubt but I will save that for another hate article. Needless to say their last win was that one sided affair back in 1995 and they haven't won since. The Ravens and Niners were the only two teams to never have lost a Super Bowl in their franchises history. We all know how that turned out. I really think the arguments regarding titles needs to be if you were a fan (alive) at the time of said championship and if you want to debate me there, fine. Name me some people from the roster without your phone, google, internet, smoke signals, your best friends hand signals or whatever. Naming just Montana, Rice, Young or Clark will not get you bonus points. What's that? You got nothing, thought so...douche.
There you have it. I don't know how much longer I can keep may rage regarding my own team encased. I might have to let it loose sooner...rather than later. Until we hate again.
It is pretty easy to hate this team. Unlike the Raiders (even though they have looked surprisingly not terrible) the Browns are a division rival of a town our team "migrated" from. While I do utterly enjoy their awful ability (most of the time) to play the game of football, there are times where they do surprise us. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me hate them any less.
1) They act like Art Modell was Robert Irsay
First of all, shut up. Second of all, shut up. I mean, the man moved a team with plenty of notice and let the city keep the history. Sure, I know it sucks that the team left. Let's be real, if they stayed in Cleveland they weren't going to win the Super Bowl like the Ravens did. Unless this is an alternate universe and your team was actually good. It has gotten to the point where a fan went to his grave and relieved himself on it. I mean, that is class with a capital GFY. Kids tell your parents to google that one. Anyway, Modell and Irsay aren't in the same conversation. When a man leaves you in the middle of the night with no notice and runs off with a franchise you call me you whiny losers!
Wait don't, I don't think I have enough anytime minutes.
2) Viewing Johnny Manziel like the team drafted the G.O.A.T.
Watching this poor over privileged kid suffer his bumps and bruises is very amusing. Mostly because it just means the Browns have no idea what to do. The thing that got me was ESPNs wall to wall coverage of the kid. WHY? I mean, let's just be honest with ourselves. I am! I know that Ozzie Newsome can't draft a top tier wideout. Everything else, sure. The modern day Browns CAN'T draft and develop a quarterback. Let's look at your craptacular history with the second coming. Just since 2009 you have had 12 quarterbacks start, (22 since you reentered the league in 1999). You have ruined the lives of Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Brandon Weeden and Colt McCoy just to name a few. Do yourself a favor and pick up from the trash heap of the rest of the league and leave the drafting of QBs to the professionals. Morons!
3) They think they are going to the playoffs every year
I'm all for supporting your team. We had lovable losers for 14 straight seasons over at Camden Yards. We accepted their inability to win until they actually were playing well IN THE END OF THE SEASON! I don't care if your P.O.S. team is playing well up until week 4. They more than likely have a new coach who hasn't proven squat and neither has upper management. When they still matter in week 10, fine. When I see their fans going ape after 4 weeks of the season and they are miraculously in first (obviously not this year but for example, 2013 when the Steelers were 0-4). Easy Romeo. You're team isn't consistent enough to brag at all. Let nature take it's course and have the season smash their head with a rock.
4) The Dog...Dawg...Duhog...whatever pound
Look, I don't get it. I don't understand the association with dogs and your team. It makes no damn sense. Most of you are wearing those stupid, glum dog masks. What's your deal? Ugly face? Big Arsenio Hall fan? Not wanting to be seen at a Browns game perhaps? Either way, I'm going to need you to give me a history lesson to tie the two together. Wait, scratch that, I don't care. Enjoy watching hot garbage on the field loser.
5) Cleveland does NOT in fact, rock
I've never been to Cleveland but I hear it's pretty awful there. Oooooo the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame....and we're done sight seeing. I mean, you can try and blame Lebron leaving on effecting the downtown area but he's back now so you can't blame Lebron for anything....can you? Your best known for being utter failures so if you could just keep doing that that would be great. Stay crappy Cleveland!
Man, the hate is strong. That wraps up this edition. Think I took it easy on them? Feel free to jump in the comments with your suggestions for more hate towards Cleveland. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it.
So here we are, a quarter of our way through the NFL season. That certainly escalated quickly. It tends to happen when our Ravens have started the season on the rough side going a mere 1-3 in their first four. In all honesty, I only thought they would be one game better at this point so let's see what the rest of this season has in store shall we.
We have four more games before our bye in week 9. Pretty sweet time for that to be right in the middle of the season. Considering our lack of depth at receiver earlier may have been better but we can't foresee our receiving core falling apart. The four games are split into two roadies after this week's home game against the Browns. That dumpster fire at the QB position leads me to believe that we should be able to hold strong at home. While I know this is a division opponent and anything can happen, the Ravens are the better team and should win this one. We head out to the west coast for the next two starting with the San Francisco 49ers. What the hell happened to this team? Half of their defense retired, their QB forgot how to play football and they have been an utter disappointment since week 2. I'm pretty sure that Torrey Smith and Anquan Boldin are going to put on a little show to rub in us not having them. That is, if Kap can even get the ball to them. More than likely the team will not stay on the west coast (due to their utter failure earlier in the season doing the same thing) so expect them to come home and practice out the week before heading off to Arizona for their first Monday night game of the year. I was high on the Cardinals and figured Larry Fitzgerald found the fountain of youth. They aren't unbeatable, hell the Rams just beat them at their house so it is possible. We follow that up with an epic rematch against the Chargers back at home. We owe them for that heartbreaking loss from a year ago and this is a team that is hurting as much as us on the offensive side of the ball but by then could be healthy. Gates is back after serving his four game suspension but who knows if he stays healthy through the next three games.
So my fearless prediction:
vs. Browns - W, @49ers - W, @Cardinals - L, vs. Chargers W
Which would bring us back to a .500 record before the bye. At this point kiddies we have to take that considering the circumstances.
Our next four seem a bit easier all things considered. The toughest opponent is the second game after the bye. We start with the Jags, that doesn't even seem fair. Blake Bortles does seem to have improved since last season but honestly how couldn't he? Harbaugh has only lost 1 game after the bye week. However the Rams come to our house the following week to throw a wrench in our plans of fixing the season. The team is too inconsistent to really sway this game one way or the other. One thing that is certain is we need to contain Gurley and hope to God Tavon Austin is sick that day. We follow that up by heading to the toilet bowl of the AFC north when we stomp into Cleveland for another Monday night game. Now before you get all, "oh we're gonna stomp those idiots into the ground!" Remember that we have stumbled on Monday night before against a subpar team (cough cough Jack Del Rio's Jags cough cough) so anything is possible. Not plausible, but possible. We then head off to south beach to visit the steaming pile of mess that is the Miami Dolphins. New coach, no problem? Not really, he has called the team "soft" and by week 13 he may have toughened them up. No one on offense really scares me, Tannehill is still proving his worth and the defense has been subpar at best. The Jets just ran all over London on them. It's like they just opened the holes for them. Suh was supposed to plug those! This stretch is where we need to come off the bye strong and dismantle everyone.
Fearless prediction:
vs. Jags - W, vs. Rams - W, @Browns - W, @Dolphins - W
Okay so we have started to turn the season around and are finally pushing for what could possibly, maybe, hopefully a playoff season!
Then our final four games set in. There is some good news. Three out of our final four are at home. Especially with one of those being the Seahawks that is great news! The bad news is that Seattle is more than likely going to be in one of their playoff stretches where they are winning constantly. More than likely both teams will have the longest winning streak in the league at that time (unless no one wants to beat the Pats). Unfortunately I don't think our team has an answer for Jimmy Graham nor do we have a stellar playmaker to let loose on the legion of boom. The only hope is that they lay a stinker coming across the country. Another lucky home game is that against the Chiefs. Two places I would like to avoid playing in are Arrowhead in KC and Century Link in Seattle. KC has been playing a rough schedule so far but they have not been a good road team especially against good teams. The third game in the stretch is against every Raven fans favorite team to hate, the Steelers. By that time they should be running full throttle with Big Ben and Martivis Bryant back in the lineup. They also have a new kicker to blame other than Josh Scobee when they lose. Generally we split the season series with the Steelers unless they are especially bad or hurt. This could be a year that we sweep but it all depends on how our defense performs. They played like garbage against AJ Green so being at home won't matter when this high powered offense comes to town. Especially since you know Big Ben has revenge on his mind. We then finish the season on the road in Cincinnati where I will more than likely have to eat crow as they get ready for another postseason "run". I said they would be terrible, I said they wouldn't matter in the division, I said they would miss the playoffs and I admit, as of right now I'm wrong. By week 17 who knows where they will be, doubtful they will be undefeated but may need to win to lock up the division. These four games are going to determine whether we make or break our chances at the playoffs. Especially with two of the last four being against teams in the division that are fighting for the same spots as us.
Fearless prediction:
vs. Seahawks - L, vs Chiefs - W, vs. Steelers - W, @Bengals - L
This would bring us to a 10-6 record which will probably only get us a wild card spot. Way better than what we all were thinking at the beginning of the season.
If this all plays out like I think it will, we will be laughing (or kicking ourselves) about how this season started. Out of all of the quarters, that last four at season's end are going to be rough. All could be playoff teams that we play, but it will lead to tons of drama in the last month of the season. If we manage to pull this off its going to have me like...
