Five Reasons...to Keep Watching Ravens Games

Before any of you try to give me a hard time about not hating in a long time think about this. How hard is it to hate on anyone when you are trying SO hard to figure out what you like about your crapfest of a team? I have an answer for you, pretty damn hard. Now I could easily have complained about the Rams, Dolphins or this week's fabulous opponent the Chiefs but no. I can't do it. Baltimore won't let me.

It has come to my attention that because we are terrible many "fans" have decided to tune out, not giving one iota about this team. That to me is a problem. If you are a "fan" I believe you stick through thick and thin. This season is pretty damn thin, Calista Flockhart thin. So I think some of us need to remember the reason why we should keep tuning in.

1) Duh, football season is only 4-5 months out of the year

The same people that are bitching that they won't watch Ravens games anymore this year, who have sold the remainder of their season tickets and who are probably communists (that last part may or may not be true) are going to be the same ones bitching there is no football until August come March. No one can have it both ways. I mean, do what most fans do. Bandwagon hop. Just stay the hell off social media ya poser! We know you haven't been a Panther fan since '99 and don't gimme that AFC/NFC team bullshit. I don't want to hear it. I'm just saying, want a better viewing experience? Watch anyone else in the division races UNLESS, they are in the NFC East.

2) Jarvaihudflkjahl Allen

Point being, stop trying to say his first name. You couldn't even say Ngata right commentators, you damn sure aren't saying Javorius correctly. Call him Buck, we in Baltimore are huge fans of Buck.

Shit, wrong one. Either way, we here are interested to see how both of them are going to do. Allen has shown that he can in fact be productive out of the backfield and possibly could give Forsett a run for the starting job. Taliaferro has been injury prone in his short career and it is clear (so far) that Allen is more dynamic out of the backfield as a receiver than he is. While Allen has yet to clear the 100 yard rushing mark he did drop a 100+ yards receiving against the Browns. Yes I know, they are terrible but he still did it! We need to figure out what we have back there because we really don't have any solid players at the running back position who have proven to be a dominant force for more than one season.

3) K.O. is LT

Okay, I promise not to bash Eugene Monroe too much in this section. I mean, if I do he might be out all of next season with damaged pride and low self esteem. Since coming to Baltimore, Monroe has been lackluster and injured. Not a good combination. Osemele, on the other hand, has been very productive as a guard and is going to be a free agent in the offseason. With the Ravens extending Yanda they can't put all that money towards the guard position. However, if Osemele dominates as a left tackle they can make it rain in his general direction. They threw him right into the wolves this past week with Seattle and it isn't like its going to get better moving forward. Chiefs, Steelers and Bengals all have an impressive pass rush that should really test whether or not Osemele can achieve man among bitches status. For our sake, let's hope he does.

4) Flaccups?

Honestly, this hurts to watch on Sunday. However, as fans we have to wonder who will be there to backup Flacco if this knee injury prolongs the start to his 2016 season. Add to the equation massive whiny pants Ryan Mallett  who has led the league in complaining (a technique he learned in New England I'm sure) this season. Both Schaub and Claussen have been seen taking reps with the first team this week but you have to figure that these last few weeks will decide who will still be on the roster next season. From what I have seen (Mallett isn't even in the conversation) Schaub hasn't played himself out of the job if he in fact wants it next year. Claussen managed to not completely ruin the game until the second half when he realized, "Shit, I'm Jimmy Claussen! I have only won 1 NFL game in my career and this defense is hard. Sherman looks like he wants the ball, I'll throw to him!'

That being said expect either Schaub or Mallett to start the final two games. It all depends on how Harbs(or his QB) is feeling.

5) Would a real Wide Receiver Please Stand Up?!?

Honestly there are only a couple of names that stand out from our receiving core. One of them is technically a tight end. Kamar Aiken has been improving over the past few weeks and Dan Brown(as the last man standing in a decimated tight end depth chart) has been very impressive. If there is one thing this team can clearly do, it's seeing talent and developing that talent in tight ends. Makes sense with Ozzie at the helm. Amusingly enough Brown was cut from the practice squad the day after Thanksgiving(as a wide receiver). Only to be signed after sooooooooooooooooo many injuries. With that out there we really need to see what guys like Jeremy Butler, Chris Givens and Kaelin Clay. Clay has been impressive in the return game but hasn't done much else. Butler has been more involved the past two weeks so we shall see. All in all as fans and analysts alike, we need to keep an eye on this for the future,

If there is one thing that has been proven this season is that this team lacks depth. Anywhere. More than anything the remainder of this season is about improving that depth. Not only in our roster but our sanity as fans. So cheer up Baltimore, it's only going to be one down year. Right? RIGHT?!?!

Five More Things I Hate About....the Cleveland Browns

credit: NFL memes

Yeah, I know we are no picnic either this season. However, we aren't the toilet bowl on a regular basis that is the Cleveland Browns. Besides, even with us being terrible I can still hate whoever the hell I want. This is 'murica dammit, why Abraham Lincoln chopped down that maple tree or whatever. Kidding....kidding. What I am not kidding about is that pile of hot garbage that is the Cleveland Browns.

1) Josh McCown owned our souls

That game was hard to watch. As someone who was in the stands, every time their offense was on the field the air was sucked out of the stadium after each and every first down the defense gave up. McCown would go on to have a career day with the Browns receivers. Not even the good one who is a massive stoner! I mean what the hell is that? It was frustrating to hear a guy's name so much who I honestly thought could have given me an honest discount double check at a State Farm branch(Gary Barnidge). Worse yet, I know all of you had to hear it from the usual suspects about making this clown look like the G.O.A.T. It was when I knew our season was done for. I had hope and then this jerkwad had to take a big dump on my dreams. Thanks a lot Josh McCown...you dream crusher!

2) They ruin former Ravens

Credit: Cleveland Browns Memes

Let us look at their history. They always seem to grab up our players after they have stellar seasons and we can't/won't afford them. Kruger is the most recent but think about all the previous guys who haven't amounted to jack squat on their team. Jamal Lewis was a shell of himself in Cleveland. As was Gary Baxter. You hear that Cleveland?!? You're team is a toilet flushing the careers of these poor guys who USED to be successful. Congratulations buttholes. Well whatever, they left for the money anyway. They knew they weren't going to win the big one. At least Kruger and Lewis got a ring first.

3) This game is being promoted as a game for draft picks

Jesus tap dancing Christ. I think I liked it better when it was promoted as, a rivalry game that for some reason the Ravens will keep close for far too long before just blowing them away. Currently we are a game up on Cleveland in the division and would be a few picks behind them in the draft. I...I can't. I can't do this! I will not discuss draft position. Who cares? The Browns will waste theirs on some idiot and we will trade down for depth. Seriously who gives a crap. ESPN must be promoting it that way to tie in Monday Night Football and the draft. Well played...

4) Johnny Manziel's Overpublicized Drinking Problems

Don't get me wrong, I will not make fun of alcoholism...just Johnny Manziel's alcoholism. First of all, if the douche wants to start drinking after being in rehab for months during the offseason then so be it. However, that isn't part of the 12 steps Johnny. No where in there does it say to dress up like Scooby Doo and go party. Personally, I never understood why people were so head over heels for this guy. Again just another reason ESPN needs more things to do with their spare time. Focus on more than one pompous career backup at best. His big PR nightmare has just been wonderful and has now cost him the starting job. Here I thought him being god awful would do that for him. 

That being said, just say no Johnny....just say no.

5) I think I might just sleep this one out

I might just have a tryptophan hangover for 5 days and sleep this one out. I mean honestly I might make it through 20 minutes of the Matt Schaub era before I throw up and go to sleep. Possibly in that order. Maybe not? Gotta keep it interesting. Anyway this is a game between a team with more than 50% of the big skill players injured and the Browns. THE BROWNS! Who decided to give them a Monday night game in the first place? Smooth move Goodell! I am thinking that the season finale rerun of The Walking Dead will get better ratings. You know it's going to be on again, you know you are going to watch it for easter eggs. Tasty.


With that being said, hope all the readers have a happy and safe Thanksgiving holiday. Filled with naps and football games better than this one.

All in all this is just a down and out season and I hope these little hate articles are helping you all through these tough times. I know that it helps me get the rage out of the closet. Its like the polar opposite of Little Sweet, just mad and not smooth at all. Not moving up a banister defying gravity but breaking said banister with someone's face! Think the Hulk with Loki in The Avengers.

Five Things I Hate About...the Jacksonville Jaguars

credit: NFL Memes

Yawn, what a week. Locals here in Baltimore got to watch the unfortunate last second victory the Pittsburgh Steelers had over the Raiders, you know the last team I had a hell of a time hating on. As if that wasn't hard enough now I have the pleasure of looking at hating on one of the worst run franchises in the UK....er I mean America. Going to have to turn up the hate for this one...

That seems about right. Let's do this!

1) Jacksonville Jaguars or is it London's Losers?

Personally I enjoy having a game on while I eat my breakfast on a Sunday. Even if it is this god forsaken crap fest of a team. What is going to bother the ever loving crap out of me is when/if they move this franchise to London permanently. Could you imagine that road trip? What if you have back to back road games? Hell, why don't we put a team in Paris and Belgium. Knock the whole trip out at once. I get the globalization of the game, I do. For god's sake there aren't enough bye weeks or craps to give about the Jags over there. I mean, have any of you watched a game from the other side of the pond(that phrase is annoying)? Half the fans show up wearing 3 or 4 different team's gear. You're doing it wrong!

2) Their WRs are by far better than anything we have

credit: SB Nation

Hurns and Robinson have truly achieved "men above bitches" status this year. Bortles has clearly developed into a reliable guy who can chuck the damn ball 60 times a game and these guys snag it for scores. It's damn disgusting. The Ravens front office seem to be able to draft every position known to man except a freaking receiver. It pisses me the hell off. I think the most hilarious thing is the amount of people who thought Julius Thomas would be the best receiver on this team. Those same people decided to draft Thomas and leave Hurns/Robinson on the waiver wire. Nice work fantasy gurus!

3)  Even when we aren't terrible they can beat us

credit: NFL Memes

Before we all start drinking the Kool-Aid believing we are NOT a 2-6 team as well, let's remember that even when we weren't terrible we had issues beating this team. Even when this team was starting the likes of Blaine Gabbert we had issues beating them in Jacksonville. You know, in front of 35 Jags fans. We lost to a Jack Del Rio run team on a Monday night when we were fighting for a playoff spot and they were attempting to not have the first pick. I'm just saying, their offense is powerful enough to run through our defense like a burrito from Chipotle through your digestive tract.

credit: Comedy Central

4) Wait a damn minute, we're both 2-6 right now?

That moment you realize that 3 months ago we were Super Bowl favorites (for some reason) and now can't seem to put a winning streak together. Which means we are currently battling it out for the bottom of the barrel also known as the "glory that is failure." An utter disappointment where you are barely playing for pride and a high draft pick. A phrase that is rampant in my fantasy league. I know, none of you care. That being said, how in the hell are we equal to this team in wins? In all honesty, we should be worse. Their offense (at some positions) is better than ours and their defense is not nearly is poor. 

5) For some reason, the NFL gave them a team before they thought Baltimore deserved a team

credit: NFL Memes

Yeah....Paul Tagliabue can go to hell. The man that said we should build a museum instead of a stadium with our tax dollars back when he expanded the NFL in 1993. The Jags started playing games in 1995. Sure, the team was successful back when Mark Brunell was at the helm but since he has retired, not so much. Blackout games locally and a half empty stadium year after year while we here in Baltimore have to get on a list just to have a glimpse of going to more than one game without spending a mortgage payment/rent on said game. Sure I know this is a bad year to give anyone a hard time about attendance as now it seems that the Ravens are having as much difficulty to fill the place. That being said, Jacksonville as a football town is terrible. Whether our team is good or bad we still sell out we just don't always show up. Going to an NFL game shouldn't be similar to showing up in a town for a baseball game. Meaning I shouldn't be able to go to the ticket booth on a Sunday morning and grab a ticket for that days game. Pretty sure that could/would happen in Jacksonville. Your town is bad and you should feel bad Jacksonville!

While not my most difficult hate article, it definitely had it's hardships. Hopefully when we are enjoying wings and beers this Sunday we will be celebrating a Ravens victory of more than one score. That would be fantastic. Surprising but great nonetheless. Until we hate again...fools.

Five Things I Hate About...the San Diego Chargers

It's like we are looking for new ways to win. Would you look at that, here comes a team who was led by a derpy quarterback last season to steal a win. Now this season it wouldn't be stealing. It would still be theft of some kind but like only a misdemeanor. As I have stated many articles before, I can continue to drop hate bombs all over the place and I am especially pissed about the Ravens. So I think its time to look for the signal.

Thanks Maximus. Let's do this!

1) Philip Rivers Face

That is a face that only his mama could love. But man oh man, do I ever want to punch the hell out of that face. He makes some of the bitchiest, sarcastic, borderline mental faces on the sideline. You can literally google "Philip Rivers face" and get emotion selections on the photo page. Hopefully this ass clown is making a frowny face come the end of the game this week.

2) Philip Rivers voice

Rarely do I select one player for two different reasons to hate on someone but I purely hate his,"aw shucks," attitude. It's confusing. Did someone change the channel to a Dukes of Hazard rerun? Is Forrest Gump on? Am I watching Nascar? Are we in pit row? I just saw you crying like a little baby on the sideline but now you sound like you are about to sell me a used car covered in BBQ sauce. Like here is an example of an interview with Rivers.

"Well Philip what did you see out there today when you threw 2 interceptions in the fourth?'

"Well my mama always said that sharing was caring, now if you'll excuse me I gotta fix my bolo tie."

What the hell is the deal with that? I know you are a man of the south but not the DEEP south. You aren't an oil tycoon, fried chicken salesman, cowboy or my great grandfather. My great grandfather wore them, he was awesome. I'm going to need you to remove them from your wardrobe, IMMEDIATELY, as you are in fact...NOT AWESOME!

3) So many LTs

No, no there isn't. There is one and he loves young girls, cocaine and breaking Joe Theismann's leg on national television. Wu-Tang never rapped about you in one of their verses so you lose Ladainian. Perhaps there is still some rage over you TD vulturing a younger RB back when I decided against getting you in fantasy when you were nearly 100 years old in RB years. RB years, fun fact, equivalent to dog years. On a serious note, LT = Lawrence Taylor ONLY!

4) Antonio Gates please....just retire already

You are just killing every wide receivers value in fantasy. Your first week back you styled on everyone and you have made my late pick of Stevie Johnson look pretty stupid. It actually didn't look dumb until your large and in charge self came back from your PED suspension. Ya jerk. I should beat you up in a hot tub like Ruxin did in The League! The worst thing about him is his confusing fantasy output. You play him, 0-4 points. You sit him. 29 points. WTF?!?!?!?!?

5) The city was the centerpiece for one of the greatest comedies of a generation

You stay classy Ron Burgundy! If you don't know about Anchorman you're life hasn't been too much fun. Whammo! Anyway, the damn movie is so awesome, so quotable and so helps me getting this last thing in just so I can say that San Diego is German for a whale's vagina. Totally not Spanish, it's one of life's great mysteries. It's just not fair. I mean, I guess we did have Major League 2. Nope, not the same. DAMN YOU SAN DIEGO!

Well there you have it kiddos. We gonna win a home game? That would be great. I have had steeler fans elbow deep in my butt since we haven't won a home game yet. That sounded...gross. We should have won at least 1 home game by now. WHY CAN'T WE WIN?!? Until we hate again.

Top 5 Scariest Ravens

Well folks it's Halloween week, fellow Purple Reign writer Ashley Anderson and I were having this recent interaction...

"With the upcoming doom of our season, I almost forgot that Halloween is Saturday. It got me thinking about some of the scariest and most intimidating Ravens of all time," I said.

"Yes, Brandan, this has certainly been a haunted season in Baltimore, but we should focus on the bright side. There have been a number of terrifying guys donning purple and black throughout the years, and luckily they were only out to frighten opponents," she said.

What followed were numerous emails back and forth regarding who in Ravens history were some of the most intimidating, fear inducing, baddest mofos to ever wear the purple and black. It was by far the most productive lunch hour I have ever had. So without further adieu, let’s take a look at the top five scariest Ravens who were sure to cause nightmares for the rest of the league.

5. Tony "Goose" Siragusa

Ashley's Take - You wouldn’t think Siragusa was all that intimidating, but you would be wrong. During his five seasons in Baltimore, Goose was a beast at the defensive tackle position. He only recorded 5.5 sacks as a Raven, but he frequently gobbled up double teams to spring other defenders free. Standing in at 6’4,” 340 pounds, his size alone caused opponents to wither in fear, and he played with an arrogance that made him all the more intimidating.

Brandan's take - This is the one I had to make sure was on the list! Sure Goose was a maniac on the field but think of the fear he imposed during training camp on not only the rookies but the veterans as well. His pranks were legendary and part of the reason Hard Knocks had to start in Baltimore. Without Goose, Ray Lewis wouldn't have been the dominant force he was that season and he sure plugged the whole with the best of them. I mean, the defense was arguably the best ever. The best thing is, when the battle was over, he probably would make you some delicious ribs to help you heal from his hits. Rich Gannon still feels that hit that knocked him out back in 2000.

4. Jonathan Ogden

Ashley's Take - J.O. was the Ravens’ first draft pick when the franchise came to Baltimore in 1996. A monster of a man at a massive 6’9,” 345 pounds, Ogden stonewalled opponents on the blindside. A nightmare for defensive coordinators, he was nearly impossible to beat, leading to his election in the Hall of Fame.

Brandan's Take - One of the greatest left tackles to ever play the game, all Ozzie Newsome did in 1996 was draft hall of famers in the first round. J.O. turned most pass rushers into babies when they attempted to get after the slew of QBs we had. Only a few pass rushers had his number, very few.

3. Terrell Suggs

Ashley's take - When quarterbacks look across the line of scrimmage to see Sizzle waiting on the other side, it tends to strike fear in their hearts. Over the course of his career, Suggs has amassed a staggering 106.5 sacks, seven interceptions, and 27 forced fumbles. Long after Ben Roethlisberger retires, he will still see Suggs in his dreams and find himself waking up in a cold sweat. Happy haunting, Ben!

Brandan's take - First and foremost, IT'S THE SUGGERNAUT! Along with his fantastic numbers, Suggs is by far the greatest trash talker in Ravens history. Look it up. I'll wait. Here, I'll help you out. "His (Big Ben's) soul may belong to God, but his ass belongs to me." That will haunt you in your sleep. If you have a few years you could read up on all his hate towards Tom "Big Baby" Brady. By far the best pass rusher in franchise history.

2. Ed Reed

Ashley's Take - Few defenders can get into an opponent’s head like Ed Reed could. His presence in the secondary was extremely unnerving, and he would make QBs pay for throwing the ball in his direction. Like a killer stalking his prey, Reed would swoop in from out of nowhere to intercept passes, taking many of them back for touchdowns. With Hannibal Lecter-like mind games, Reed seemed to always manipulate opponents into making deadly mistakes.

Brandan's Take - He did enjoy his interceptions with some fava beans and a nice chiante. The best part about him was his play making ability. It caused numerous opposing coaches to have Freddy Krueger-esque nightmares about having to face Reed week to week. Special teams? No problem, just blocking punts and taking it to the house. Defense? Child please, interceptions and taking it to the house. No matter what, he always wanted the defense to score, his laterals were some of the most terrifying things to Raven fans.

1. Ray Lewis

Ashley's take - As the face of the franchise, there was no one more intimidating than Ray Lewis. He delivered not just powerful, motivating speeches, but also crushing tackles. Always the first person to bounce off the ground, Lewis made it his business to punish anyone who crossed his path. A run-in with Lewis surely meant an ice bath after the game.

Brandan's take - Ray Lewis single handedly ruined Eddie George's career. Kids, back when you used to be able to lay down crushing blows onto an opponent, Ray was a master at the task. It's what earned him being the 7th most feared tackler in NFL history. I won't let my or Ashley's words describe how bone crushing his tackles were. Just check out his hit list.

I feel like we are missing some people, we just couldn't leave a few people out.

Honorable mention: Steve Smith Sr.

Ashley's take - Though his career with the Ravens won’t be as long as the guys who made the list, Smith has been a force to be reckoned with in Baltimore. From his trash talking to his unmatched toughness, Smith embodies what it means to be a scary competitor. Every time he takes the field, he is looking to leave blood and guts in his wake. In his final season, he is sure to destroy all of his opponents.

Brandan's take - This is the main reason I tune in for a Ravens game these days. His trash talk is up there with Suggs and just so quotable you can't help but love the guy on your team. He will ride with you, he will die with you and if you cross him, he will punish you. I'm pretty sure he's gonna get fined for whatever he does to Lawrence Timmons for messing up his back.

Less-Than-Honorable Mention: Ray Rice in an elevator 

Ashley's Take– Too soon? I think not. Like meeting up with your worst enemy in a back alley, no one wants to ride an elevator with Ray Rice.

Brandan's Take - It's never too soon. I'm not scared at all of him on the field. Hell we could give it to him 4 times and not get a first down. Thanks Ray! No I will NOT get on that elevator with you sir. Stop it!

How Could We Forget?: Michael Jackson

Ashley's Take – In true Halloween spirit, we’ve gotta give a shout-out to Baltimore’s own MJ. He may not have lived at the Neverland Ranch, but he could sometimes be a Thriller.

Brandan's take - He made thriller.....thriller.

Five Things I Hate About...the Arizona Cardinals

Okay so, we're terrible. We're more than likely not going to the postseason and perhaps we should start watching some prospects for the draft. Unfortunately we aren't in the NFC East where 7-9 might win the division. However, just because our team is awful doesn't mean I can't hate our opponents guts. Besides, all your spirits need lifting, I have heard how depressed people sound on sports radio. It's like our dog died.

Nonetheless, the hate shall flow through me...

1) It's a dry heat...

First of all, its f-ing hot. Let's just leave it at that. This isn't a damn Science class where I need you to explain the humidity differences and blah blah. It's 100+, I don't wanna hear that crap. It's like the most common thing you hear about when people talk about traveling or living in Arizona. Convos go like this..
"Hey buddy, where did you say you went on vacation?"
"We went out west to Arizona."
"Oh man, was it hot?"
"Yeah but it's different, it's a dry heat."

Shut up, just shut the hell up. Talk about the desert, or the desserts you had in the desert you non-spelling fools. Just stop talking about the damn heat.

2) They literally die on our fantasy roster

I have been playing fantasy sports for what feels like an eternity. Without a shadow of a doubt, every damn time I draft a Cardinal player with some upside he gets hurt. Yes, it's usually a running back. I to this day would still punch Tim Hightower in the face. That goalline vulture was fantastic for me in his rookie season. So I kept getting him, injury, poor performance lose job. In recent years it has been Andre Ellington. Oh what's that? You drafted one of the infinite quarterbacks they had in recent memory? Well I mean, they only had three start last year. Oh you drafted their stellar defense? Their leading pass rusher gets hurt. It's like Bad Luck Brian with this team. Drafts Andre Ellington, Tears ACL in Week 2. 

3) They didn't beat the Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII

This would give the Steelers their 6th championship and an infinite amount of time to talk trash until someone wins a 6th or we go 2-14 with both wins being against the Steelers. That would be awful for everyone involved. However, this also gave us the longest play in Super Bowl history as we all got to time James Harrison scamper (huff, puff and nearly die) on his 100 yard return. My wife lost her mind...I just had to sit there and smile. In case you forgot (enjoy the Madden flashback)

Thanks again for that memory Arizona(and Kurt Warner). You let us down.

4) For the first time in as long as I can remember, we were a sure thing to bet against

Okay, you aren't ignorant. There are gamblers out there and prognosticators who pick games for a living. Generally, if you don't know how it works, they pick a few games and then will pick their "locks of the week," "guarandamntee of the week," "sure thing of the week," or "we ran out of creative ways to say this pick of the week." This week on ESPN, one of their talking heads (might have been cousin Sal from Jimmy Kimmel) dropped the Cardinals as his sure thing this week. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think the man has a bad choice there. We are god awful and this Arizona defense is relentless. That being said....it still pissed me off. Being a bad team sucks.

5) Larry Fitzgerald has found the fountain of youth

Remember when his decline meant the end of his career? Well, so much for that. He has been on a stellar run (which while great for my fantasy team sucks for my actual team). Fitz is starting to look like he will have one of those Steve Smith Sr. seasons like Smith had last year. Great for about half the season (like if you have Fitz on fantasy you should have traded him 2 weeks ago) and then fall off. Honestly he has already started to. I assure you that he will gain "man among bitches" status for this game as our secondary is lackluster to say the least. This team is full of weapons as it is, honestly two is three too many for the Ravens secondary to worry about. 

Well there you have it. No matter how much our team falters, I will still hate with the best of them. Although, I have to say, we might be due for a list of things that are pissing me off about the Ravens. I'm an equal opportunity hater. I damn near hate everyone! Until we hate again.

Five Things I Hate About....the San Francisco 49ers

credit: NFL Memes

I know people. How can one man continue his hatred of other franchises when his team is in such disarray. Well, it's pretty damn easy. Just keep the hate strong and maybe a win will come along to make it that much sweeter. Besides, we all need to laugh at this point. Sure, we made Josh McCown look like Joe Montana, the good news is that the last guy mentioned retired years ago. So when we head to San Fran we are playing another bad team.

So without further adieu, let's get this hate train rolling!

1)Colin Kaepernick...is a terrorist

Or is he Squidward, some midget in a Spiderman costume, Gonzo from the Muppets, a large nosed monkey? No one truly nose....errr I mean knows. Honestly just think of someone, anyone with a big nose and that is your guy. Your accountant? You betcha! Skeeter from Doug? Why the hell not?!? The guy has a ski slope for a nose and a dirt spot on his chin, pretty easy target bro. Might as well wear a dart board on your back.

credit: NFL Memes

2) Who's got it better than them....

Well currently not us, however Michigan seems to be better than them. Half the league seems to be better than both of us. How about we let that one die with Jim Harbaugh rolling out of town. This was just an annoying thing that they did that really just pissed me off. It's much worse than whodey, whodat, here we go....wait, nothing is more annoying than that damned Steeler song. Anyway...shut up niner fans.

3) For the last time, you LOST the damn Super Bowl in 2013

credit; sportsmemes.net

Okay, we know, calls were missed. You don't have to be so butthurt about it. Saying the game was fixed because of Ray Lewis (who maybe you should have exploited more cause he couldn't cover a damn thing in that game) is bogus. The game was fixed because your idiotic coach got too cute and gave up on the run when it was CLEARLY working late in the game. The game was fixed because of over a half hour delay when the Ravens were DESTROYING you which allowed your niners to get back in the game. The game was fixed because Jimmy Smith interfered with Crabtree, he held him. Well...that part even Smith admitted was true. However....run the damn ball. As a former fan of this team in my youth (when Montana was king) I understand your frustration but as a current fan of my hometown Ravens I've got two words for ya...

4) Your coach looks like a porn star

While I have to debate with myself if that is awesome or not, I gotta say that the amount of memes with him and Ron Jeremy are bugging the living hell out of me. I mean there really isn't much more to say about this other than show you these...

I know that last one is just Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force but that one is a classic. Total classic.

5) Jesus, we know 5 championships

Now there are a lot of memes with old ladies in them talking about the last living cheerleader when the niners won. While that was nearly 20 years ago (Young over the Chargers), the memes are just ridiculous. Mostly from Seahawks bandwagoners no doubt but I will save that for another hate article. Needless to say their last win was that one sided affair back in 1995 and they haven't won since. The Ravens and Niners were the only two teams to never have lost a Super Bowl in their franchises history. We all know how that turned out. I really think the arguments regarding titles needs to be if you were a fan (alive) at the time of said championship and if you want to debate me there, fine. Name me some people from the roster without your phone, google, internet, smoke signals, your best friends hand signals or whatever. Naming just Montana, Rice, Young or Clark will not get you bonus points. What's that? You got nothing, thought so...douche.

There you have it. I don't know how much longer I can keep may rage regarding my own team encased. I might have to let it loose sooner...rather than later. Until we hate again.