Five More Things I Hate About....the Cleveland Browns

credit: NFL memes

Yeah, I know we are no picnic either this season. However, we aren't the toilet bowl on a regular basis that is the Cleveland Browns. Besides, even with us being terrible I can still hate whoever the hell I want. This is 'murica dammit, why Abraham Lincoln chopped down that maple tree or whatever. Kidding....kidding. What I am not kidding about is that pile of hot garbage that is the Cleveland Browns.

1) Josh McCown owned our souls

That game was hard to watch. As someone who was in the stands, every time their offense was on the field the air was sucked out of the stadium after each and every first down the defense gave up. McCown would go on to have a career day with the Browns receivers. Not even the good one who is a massive stoner! I mean what the hell is that? It was frustrating to hear a guy's name so much who I honestly thought could have given me an honest discount double check at a State Farm branch(Gary Barnidge). Worse yet, I know all of you had to hear it from the usual suspects about making this clown look like the G.O.A.T. It was when I knew our season was done for. I had hope and then this jerkwad had to take a big dump on my dreams. Thanks a lot Josh McCown...you dream crusher!

2) They ruin former Ravens

Credit: Cleveland Browns Memes

Let us look at their history. They always seem to grab up our players after they have stellar seasons and we can't/won't afford them. Kruger is the most recent but think about all the previous guys who haven't amounted to jack squat on their team. Jamal Lewis was a shell of himself in Cleveland. As was Gary Baxter. You hear that Cleveland?!? You're team is a toilet flushing the careers of these poor guys who USED to be successful. Congratulations buttholes. Well whatever, they left for the money anyway. They knew they weren't going to win the big one. At least Kruger and Lewis got a ring first.

3) This game is being promoted as a game for draft picks

Jesus tap dancing Christ. I think I liked it better when it was promoted as, a rivalry game that for some reason the Ravens will keep close for far too long before just blowing them away. Currently we are a game up on Cleveland in the division and would be a few picks behind them in the draft. I...I can't. I can't do this! I will not discuss draft position. Who cares? The Browns will waste theirs on some idiot and we will trade down for depth. Seriously who gives a crap. ESPN must be promoting it that way to tie in Monday Night Football and the draft. Well played...

4) Johnny Manziel's Overpublicized Drinking Problems

Don't get me wrong, I will not make fun of alcoholism...just Johnny Manziel's alcoholism. First of all, if the douche wants to start drinking after being in rehab for months during the offseason then so be it. However, that isn't part of the 12 steps Johnny. No where in there does it say to dress up like Scooby Doo and go party. Personally, I never understood why people were so head over heels for this guy. Again just another reason ESPN needs more things to do with their spare time. Focus on more than one pompous career backup at best. His big PR nightmare has just been wonderful and has now cost him the starting job. Here I thought him being god awful would do that for him. 

That being said, just say no Johnny....just say no.

5) I think I might just sleep this one out

I might just have a tryptophan hangover for 5 days and sleep this one out. I mean honestly I might make it through 20 minutes of the Matt Schaub era before I throw up and go to sleep. Possibly in that order. Maybe not? Gotta keep it interesting. Anyway this is a game between a team with more than 50% of the big skill players injured and the Browns. THE BROWNS! Who decided to give them a Monday night game in the first place? Smooth move Goodell! I am thinking that the season finale rerun of The Walking Dead will get better ratings. You know it's going to be on again, you know you are going to watch it for easter eggs. Tasty.


With that being said, hope all the readers have a happy and safe Thanksgiving holiday. Filled with naps and football games better than this one.

All in all this is just a down and out season and I hope these little hate articles are helping you all through these tough times. I know that it helps me get the rage out of the closet. Its like the polar opposite of Little Sweet, just mad and not smooth at all. Not moving up a banister defying gravity but breaking said banister with someone's face! Think the Hulk with Loki in The Avengers.

Five Things I Hate About...the Cleveland Browns

It is pretty easy to hate this team. Unlike the Raiders (even though they have looked surprisingly not terrible) the Browns are a division rival of a town our team "migrated" from. While I do utterly enjoy their awful ability (most of the time) to play the game of football, there are times where they do surprise us. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me hate them any less.

1) They act like Art Modell was Robert Irsay

First of all, shut up. Second of all, shut up. I mean, the man moved a team with plenty of notice and let the city keep the history. Sure, I know it sucks that the team left. Let's be real, if they stayed in Cleveland they weren't going to win the Super Bowl like the Ravens did. Unless this is an alternate universe and your team was actually good. It has gotten to the point where a fan went to his grave and relieved himself on it. I mean, that is class with a capital GFY. Kids tell your parents to google that one. Anyway, Modell and Irsay aren't in the same conversation. When a man leaves you in the middle of the night with no notice and runs off with a franchise you call me you whiny losers!

Wait don't, I don't think I have enough anytime minutes.

2) Viewing Johnny Manziel like the team drafted the G.O.A.T.

Watching this poor over privileged kid suffer his bumps and bruises is very amusing. Mostly because it just means the Browns have no idea what to do. The thing that got me was ESPNs wall to wall coverage of the kid. WHY? I mean, let's just be honest with ourselves. I am! I know that Ozzie Newsome can't draft a top tier wideout. Everything else, sure. The modern day Browns CAN'T draft and develop a quarterback. Let's look at your craptacular history with the second coming. Just since 2009 you have had 12 quarterbacks start, (22 since you reentered the league in 1999). You have ruined the lives of Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Brandon Weeden and Colt McCoy just to name a few. Do yourself a favor and pick up from the trash heap of the rest of the league and leave the drafting of QBs to the professionals. Morons!

3) They think they are going to the playoffs every year

I'm all for supporting your team. We had lovable losers for 14 straight seasons over at Camden Yards. We accepted their inability to win until they actually were playing well IN THE END OF THE SEASON! I don't care if your P.O.S. team is playing well up until week 4. They more than likely have a new coach who hasn't proven squat and neither has upper management. When they still matter in week 10, fine. When I see their fans going ape after 4 weeks of the season and they are miraculously in first (obviously not this year but for example, 2013 when the Steelers were 0-4). Easy Romeo. You're team isn't consistent enough to brag at all. Let nature take it's course and have the season smash their head with a rock.

4) The Dog...Dawg...Duhog...whatever pound

Look, I don't get it. I don't understand the association with dogs and your team. It makes no damn sense. Most of you are wearing those stupid, glum dog masks. What's your deal? Ugly face? Big Arsenio Hall fan? Not wanting to be seen at a Browns game perhaps? Either way, I'm going to need you to give me a history lesson to tie the two together. Wait, scratch that, I don't care. Enjoy watching hot garbage on the field loser.

5) Cleveland does NOT in fact, rock

I've never been to Cleveland but I hear it's pretty awful there. Oooooo the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame....and we're done sight seeing. I mean, you can try and blame Lebron leaving on effecting the downtown area but he's back now so you can't blame Lebron for anything....can you? Your best known for being utter failures so if you could just keep doing that that would be great. Stay crappy Cleveland!

Man, the hate is strong. That wraps up this edition. Think I took it easy on them? Feel free to jump in the comments with your suggestions for more hate towards Cleveland. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it.

The North Report - Preseason Edition: Cleveland Browns

I know, I know. The Browns are awful! Why would anyone waste any portion of their life previewing a team that is more than likely going to finish last in the division, of which they MIGHT win 2 games in said division? Well for starters, it allows the writer to mock a crappy team and laugh at what poor soul decided being on the Browns was a good career move in the offseason. "I'm gonna go to the Super Bowl!," said no Browns QB ever.

Key Departure

Josh Gordon and Johnny Football's substance abuse problems? Well yes and no. In all seriousness the team lost a key piece to their offense when Jordan Cameron (not to be confused with Cameron Jordan) took his talents to South Beach to catch passes from Ryan Tannehill. Cameron's biggest issue was staying on the field in 2014 but it is hard to deny that he, at one time, was a dominant force in this offense. A piece defensive coordinators had to focus on and figure out how to eliminate him from their game plan. Add to that Gordon is serving a one year suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy which unfortunately takes out two cogs in the offense.

Without Gordon and Cameron the Browns will rely heavily on Andrew Hawkins, somewhere over the Dwayne Bowe, Brian Hartline and Gary Barnidge. Gary who? Gary "never had more than 13 receptions in a season, God I hope we have a good running game this year, is it January yet?"

Also, Brian Hoyer is gone. We knew that was going to happen when the team drafted Manziel.

What about the draft?

The Browns may not have made too many free agent splashes however they did have 12 draft picks this year. Before we go too crazy let's remember that there are 7 rounds to the draft and this team had 5 of those 12 picks in the 6th and 7th. However, that allowed them to add some young depth to their squad. Starting with their piss poor defensive line from a year ago that EVERYONE ran on, they went with a plug up the middle in DT Danny Shelton who adds depth to a line that lost a man to free agency and has another (Phil Taylor) returning from injury AND playing in a contract year, going young is a good move. Also in the first round they added depth to their offensive line (also piss poor) by adding Cameron Erving. It will solidify the right side of the Browns line as well as add much needed depth. Which is basically what the team did with the rest of the draft. Why in the hell this team drafted yet another running back (who fantasy types like myself are just hoping bursts through) I have no idea. For some reason this team took a flyer on Duke Johnson in the third round. Adding him to an already crowded backfield makes little sense but when do the Browns honestly make sense.

Did they pick up anybody?

Well I kind of spoiled it above discussing who was in the receiving core. The team acquired oldie but goodie Brian Hartline and younger unproven Dwayne Bowe. The biggest acquisition was the person throwing these two guys the ball. Josh McCown is in town, throwing balls around, not very sound and probably gonna go down....a lot. I don't really see this is much of an improvement at the position with Hoyer's departure. McCown is more of a veteran but he is still not throwing balls to the likes of Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey in Cleveland like he was when he was successful in Chicago. All in all this feels like a lateral move to McCown who is just a place holder until Manziel is ready to have another go at starting. I'm guessing by midseason it will be Johnny Football time.

Prediction

It's not hard to predict where these cellar dwellers will finish. They occasionally shock a division opponent and luck out playing the Raiders (who will probably beat them). Having a completely new offense as far as receivers go doesn't bode well along with a brand spanking new quarterback who is unproven without having superstar receivers to back him up. Their first four games are a complete tossup. They honestly could win all of the games (@Jets, Titans, Raiders & @Chargers) but after the division play starts. The NFC West starts and the good teams in the AFC West start. They go to Seattle and KC (losses no doubt) towards the end of the season. You know, to solidify their draft spot. It's going to be a long season for these guys. The defense may surprise some folks and if their offense can keep pace they are going to surprise some teams. Not enough to matter in the thick of things.

4-12, Last place, 2nd worst record in football

So that covers the division. Now we are ready for some FOOTBALL! Well after this last week of preseason that is. Let's just hope all teams get through this last game with the least amount of injuries, for fantasy purposes of course.

Around the North

image courtesy of  www.thesidelinereport.com

Man, what the hell are we all going to do this week? No Ravens to watch, maybe a fantasy team is your liking. Personally I enjoy contemplating how in the world we can make it out of this division and into the playoffs. The only division where every team is above .500! More than likely stuck in front my TV hopefully laughing at one of our division foes going down in a barrel of flames.

Before I do all that, I figure why not go around the division and figure out just how teams got there and if they stand a chance of staying there (cough cough CLEVELAND cough cough). We are going to travel from first to worst in the division.

The Browns shocked not only the Bengals last Thursday but everyone in the division(perhaps the world), claiming sole possession of first place for the first time in 18 years. September 24, 1995 was the last time they were a first place team. You know, the season right before they became the Ravens! The team is currently 6-3 while wearing the division crown.

How they got here: The three headed monster they have in their backfield of Ben Tate (3.3 YPC), Isiah Crowell(4.6 YPC) and Terrance West(3.7 YPC). No one can honestly tell who is going to be the dominant back out of the bunch most weeks (recently it has been the rookie West) but they all produce. West leads the pack with 396 rushing yards, Tate has 342 and Crowell comes in last with 296. The trio has a total of 12 TDs! Which is more than their QB has (10). That production has only eased the passing game for Hoyer who just keeps on winning. He isn't lighting up the stat sheet, as mentioned, but he sure is doing it in the win column. A defense that bends (20th in total defense) but doesn't break (sixth in points allowed) has helped.

A look at the schedule: Man, who thought at the beginning of the year that the division could come down to us and the Browns in that last game? If you said, "me!," you are totally full of it. The Browns will be taking their talents on the road four out of their last seven games including Atlanta (much better at home, let's face it even the Jags beat the Browns when they were the home team) and coming to Baltimore. Any team with a rushing attack is going to give them problems, they rank 28th in the league against the run. Most of these teams at home will try to gain the lead and build that lead with the run (see Jacksonville). Their toughest opponent will be visiting them on December 7th when the Colts come to town. I could see them only getting out of this stretch with two wins but if they can go 4-3 they might take the division.

Important future knowledge: Josh Gordon, arguably the league's best WR will be back in week 12. We are talking about a guy who led the league in receiving last season only playing in 14 games. Their missing passing attack will shine when Gordon returns.

Prediction: 9-7, tied for second in the division

This team was the toast of the league during the first month of the season. Sure they swept us but they have looked piss poor in a decent amount of their games this season. Dalton is proving that when the pressure is on he can't close the deal. In Thursday's contest Dalton had more interceptions (3) than his passer rating (2.0), insane! However the team still remains in second place (stupid tie, no one likes getting ties, not even for Christmas!) at 5-3-1.

How they got here: We have already discussed the disaster on Thursday that ended their 15 game winning streak at home. Started off going 3-0 and being a Super Bowl favorite. Then the massacre in New England happened. The following week was the now infamous tie. Which leads me to ask, how do you tie the Panthers at home? They stink! The biggest news out of that game was A.J. Green's injured toe. Green missed when they were shutout against the Colts and their victory at home against the Ravens. Now they are dealing with Gio Bernard missing time giving the rookie Jeremy Hill some time as the lead back. 50/50 so far. Two weeks ago he was great, against a poor rush defense in Cleveland he was awful. However they were down the entire game so that had a little something to do with it. The team is in the middle of the pack offensively and among the bottom dwellers in a couple defensive categories. Mostly due to Dalton's ineptitude to succeed, he is having his worst season after being overpaid back in August. Doesn't scream, "division winner."

A look at the schedule: It's not looking much better for the Bengals as they prepare for a pissed off New Orleans team who just lost a heartbreaker to the 49ers. The Saints rarely lose at home and I don't anticipate them starting a losing streak. Five of the seven games remaining are on the road for the Bengals. A team that has managed just 40 points in three games on the road. 13-14 points is not going to win this Sunday and it might not even beat Arian Foster and the Texans the following week. They still have four games in the division and more than likely will split the two they have with the Steelers. It's just what division opponents do. However I fully expect them to succumb to the season sweep at the hands of the Browns. They will be a different team with Gordon back for their next meeting and it doesn't help to be in Cleveland's domain. I see them tanking the rest of the season due to their lulls on the road.  Let us not forget that Pey Pey is coming to town with his Bronco buddies on December 22nd. So even though they have two games at home, they will be lucky to be a resident of splitsville and go 1-1.

Important future knowledge: Giovani Bernard is due to return soon which will bolster this lackluster offense who hasn't been 100% since week 4. When Green returned to the lineup he tagged out Bernard who has missed the past two games.

Prediction: 7-8-1, last in the division

Oh boy, time for some home cookin'! We ho hummed our way through the Ray Rice scandal to start the year, going 2-1. While we were dismantling the NFC South (who hasn't really) we started getting some praise. Then Roethlisberger happpened. Nevertheless we are still within striking distance of the division leading Browns even though we are tied for last place with the Pittsburgh Steelers with a 6-4 record.

How they got here: Getting swept by the Bengals is honestly what has us at the bottom of the barrel of the division. Splitting with the Steelers and losing to Indy were things we knew could/would happen before the season began. What we didn't know was the resurgence of Steve Smith Sr. or Justin Forsett. Forsett has only gone on to lead the league in yards per carry, something the Ravens were 32nd (yeah sports fans, that was last place in the league) last season. Currently we are the eighth ranked rushing team in the NFL. Mostly due to Forsett. Sure Smith Sr. has slowed down these past few weeks but he is still nearly 400 yards ahead of our second place receiver. While the offense is a little ahead of the middle of the pack the defense. Ranking third in points allowed, something this team has been known for some time now. We all know about Suggs, Ngata and the rest of our veterans but the leading tackler for this team is the rookie C.J. Mosley. Definitely the front runner for defensive rookie of the year, he currently has 90 tackles, 1 forced fumble and 2 interceptions. Our biggest issue has been our pass defense and Jimmy Smith's season ending foot injury/surgery is not helping that. Last week against the Titans we looked okay after that first drive. However, that was the Titans.

A look at the schedule: Coming off the bye week we are off to the Big Breesy for a Monday night date with the Saints. We have won there before but with a much better pass defense. Honestly we are done with the meaty part of our schedule. Among our division, our remaining opponents have the worst winning percentage. We have three at home (San Diego, Jacksonville and Cleveland) and three on the road (New Orleans, Miami and Houston). All very winnable games but we all know the parity of the NFL where any team can pull one out that maybe they shouldn't. Hear me out, we already saw what happened to San Diego coming across country, a beatdown in Miami. Jacksonville is scrappy but should not scare us at home. The division may come down to the Cleveland game. They are going to be the best team that we play the rest of the season. They again will be a different team with a totally different game plan with Gordon in the lineup. However, by then we hope, the secondary will have pulled together. Our biggest challenge on the road comes against the Dolphins in week 13. Hear me out! The Fins are quietly one of the best defensive teams in the league, ahead of us in many of the stats. They are fourth in the league in total defense including being the second ranked team in pass defense. We also will be battling it out with them with the thoughts of a playoff spot being out there. The winning team would have a leg up in the wild card and possibly catch up to their division leader. Let's face it, the Dolphins are a wild card or bust team. They won't catch the Pats.

Important future knowledge: Flacco could turn out to have his best season this year. The only decent defense he will face is Miami. He is only two TDs behind last year's total with far less interceptions. A mere eight away from his career high. We can only hope that the money we spent after his Super Bowl MVP is finally going to show through in his regular season numbers.

Prediction: 11-5, first place in the division

We save the worst for last! Okay okay, tie for worst. The Steelers have been very inconsistent this season and are either the best team on the planet or worse than the Jets...and Bucs. I mean it is hard to consider this team a contender when they do what they do against less than mediocre opponents. No way they should have lost to either of those teams but somehow they found a way to play worse than them. When they lost to Tampa they were still trying to find their offense. They find their offense but lose it against a decent Jets defense. Antonio Brown actually is human and did something wrong(a lost fumble).

How they got here: Horrible losses to the Bucs and Jets that in my honest opinion should have been wins which would catapult them into first place in this division. You have to play to your schedule and the Steelers have not beaten all of the opponents that they should have. On the bright side, this season has been Le'Veon Bell's coming out party. He has been a beast out of the backfield totaling 1,213 yards from scrimmage. Just not sniffing the end zone. Big Ben has been up and down this season, most recently he had the peak of 12 TDs in two games (tying an NFL record). However against the Jets he was back to the Ben Raven fans love, throwing red zone interceptions. The defense has come around since the beginning of the season but is still old and lacking when it comes to pass defense. They are a middle of the pack defense with tremendous upside on the offense, if they are clicking watch the scoreboard go. Also let's not forget the coming out party of Martavis Bryant. He has played in 4 games this season and has 6 TDs. I wish the Ravens could draft a receiver like that.

A look at the schedule: How in the world the Titans got a Monday night home game I have not a clue. However, you got to know that Tomlin is going to be asking his men to step up and show up against another low quality team. Who knows? Maybe they will. Considering their piss poor record against such an opponent I doubt it. They are one of the few teams that have not had their bye week, which will happen next week. This team, like us, can benefit from a late bye. It could help push them into the playoffs. They still play the Bengals twice, if they sweep that could be the division for them. At the very least a wild card. Not that they don't travel well but just where they have to travel makes me believe they won't win another road game this year. Is it possible they can win in Atlanta and Tennessee (cue Arrested Development)? Sure! Have they proven that they will win? Not so much. Their home games are New Orleans (terrible on the road), Kansas City(these Chiefs ain't royal) and finishing out the year against Cincy. Odds are that either this game or the Ravens/Browns game will be moved into primetime. The division could be on the line in either game.

Important future knowledge: The defense will get a boost when Ike Taylor returns from his broken forearm. He wasn't the shutdown corner he used to be but he is clearly their best option. I already mentioned the emergence of Martavis Bryant. He is what this team has been missing since Plaxico Burress left.

Prediction: 9-7, tied for second in the division

Yeah, I know it seems like a homer pick to take the Ravens but in reality they should end the season that way. The back end of their schedule is much easier than their division opponents so why not. 10-6 could win this division but 11-5 just sounds better. We could have two division champs in our town for the first time in my life. That would be awesome!