Five Things I Hate About...the Pittsburgh Steelers

I feel like I have seen that game before. Back and forth, being on the losing end of yet another low time amount TD to AJ Green. It's getting old boys! We still believe! Well some of us do, some of us go on talk radio and lose our mind! The one thing that never gets old, hating on the Steelers. Now I have had some posts where it was hard to come up with five things. For this, you mean I only need five?

1) Why oh why did they have to be so good in the 70s

credit: Amazon

This one is personal. My wife grew up around the time of Terry Bradshaw and the steel curtain battling it out with the Cowboys (her dad's team). While I thank the football God's she isn't a damn Boys fan I have to remember that she is a hated rivals fan. Now I have to go through life getting asked stupid questions like, "How did this happen?" Or hearing fun things directed towards her like, "go home bitch!,"or, "I knew there was a reason I liked your wife." Guess which fan says what in those previous interactions. If they could have just sucked like they did in the 3 decades prior that would have been fantastic. Alas, they didn't, so I have to stare at a black and white framed photo of Bradshaw on my wife's nightstand. Three pictures on that damn thing, Bradshaw, our daughter and our first dog. Notice there was no mention of me in there. DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU BRAAAAAAAAAADSHAAAAAAW!

Eh, I got the wedding photo over the bed. Suck it Bradshaw!

2) Wishy Washy Fan Reactions to Michael Vick

credit: NFL Memes

Some fans, could care less. "He served his time blah blah blah here we go blah blah black and yellow blah blah terrible towel blah blah QUEST FOR 7 blah blah."  I know, I know....Ray Rice. I heard it already! Am I condoning what either of them did? No. Did I support Rice when it all went down? No. However, your new backup served time for running a dog fighting ring where multiple dogs were killed and mistreated. My guy punched his future wife. Just sayin'. Your QBs tend to make poor decisions. Hoping for more from Vick on Thursday.

I personally enjoy talking to the ones who hate the move...like the wife. "I...can't believe they signed him. I'm embarrassed. I don't know if I can support them." Did I mention the dog photo on the nightstand over me? Okay, now that we're clear...

3) Hines Ward's face

credit: steelers.com

That smile probably means he just legally blind side blocked the hell out of somebody and gave them a concussion. Ward has the same effect as Derek Jeter had/has on me. I hate/respect him. Ward was a warrior and one of the reasons that the Steeler/Raven rivalry is so great today. Would I have taken him on my team? Oh hell yeah. Would I have enjoyed seeing him fall through the ground in The Dark Knight Rises? Bane is an ass hat for NOT doing that. Did I enjoy seeing him get blown away in The Walking Dead? I would have, if he would have been on screen for more than 10 seconds. I do take some pleasure knowing he had to sit through all the time of having the makeup put on for only a few seconds of work...however, still awesome to have been on the show. DAMN YOU WARD! EVEN IN RETIREMENT WE STILL HATE YOU! Admit it, you know you boo when NBC is in town and he shows up. He feeds off those like a warlock feeds off tears.

credit: examiner.com

4) Joey Porter is still a douche

I have hated this guy for as long as I can remember. It pains me to still see him on the damn sideline. I mostly hate him for one play in particular. Way back in my drunken youth (2004) we were playing the Steelers here at the big crab cake. Todd Heeeeeeeeeeeeap (yeah we started that before your little Heeeeeeeeeeeath chant d-bags) came back from a play and was limping badly. He had, what looked like, hurt his ankle on the play and the Ravens were rushing to the line to spike the ball to stop the clock. Porter, in his infinite wisdom, pushed Heap to the ground as Boller spiked the ball. Porter denied it as a cheap shot and said Heap could have been faking and that this is just football. After that moment I busted my roommates chops and called my friend (and future wife) to call her player an a$$hole. They both gave the same defense. 

Probably cause they were butthurt to have lost to a Kyle Boller led Ravens team, 30-13. I don't blame you, if I lost to a pile of garbage in a game of Madden I'd be pissed to.

5) There is no arguing with SOME of their fans

Now, some of them do actually have some damn sense. Just like some Ravens fans(stop stereotyping us Steeler fan). True football heads are hard to come by but when you can have an educated conversation with a rival fan without ever hearing the phrase, "WE HAVE 6!," or "QUEST FOR 7!" It's a beautiful thing. Like seeing a rainbow, finding the pot of gold at the end of said rainbow and enjoying an ice cold one as you swim around your new riches. However with Steeler fans it's like seeing a freaking unicorn. It never happens. Most keep that stupid title comment in their back pocket along with "hate us cause they ain't us" which is just a totally overused phrase that needs to just die. The people that use that phrase are usually the ones that try to bet on games with you before you even know who is going to be on the team. Listen here Mitch, can we get to March before you want me to drop a 50 spot on the game? K! Thaaaaaaaaanks.

I am shocked that took more than 10 minutes to type up! I'm disappointed, that I didn't have more hate! The thing is with this team, we all have plenty. While I haven't been to a Ravens Steelers game in nearly a decade I can honestly say that those were the most intense games I went to. I saw more fights pregame than anyone can imagine and would almost bet to see more at the game were I there on Thursday. Hopefully the Ravens put up a good showing cause you know with Vick out there its going to be a dog fight. Waka waka kids!

credit: muppethub.com

Five Things I Hate About....the Cincinnati Bengals

So that happened. Yes we lost to the Raiders. Personally that fuels my hate for the next opponent even more. Our home opener, opportunity to prove we aren't a bunch of idiots, prove Andy Dalton is truly and honestly a terrible quarterback. All of those things would be fantastic but in all honesty, I just want to layeth the smacketh down on this team and their supporters!

1) Their fans act like beating us 4 out of 5 equates to a Super Bowl

Look here asshat. I don't know if you know but you can beat our team twice and we can still make the playoffs. In case you're STILL confused, we are going further than you. Dalton chokes in the clutch of the postseason and you know it. You're bad and you should feel bad. Also....shut up! Boom, nailed it!

2) Andy Dalton truly frustrates my soul

Seriously, I don't understand how this mediocre, poor excuse of a QB has helped his team win the last 4 out of 5 games against us. He literally has crap stats as I have pointed out in previous posts but in case you missed it (7 TDs, 12 INTs, reached 90 QBR twice in his career). Yet he wins. I mean, it helps to have AJ Green catching your lame duck passes you silly soulless ginger but would you mind losing the game after we take the lead with little time left in the game. I mean, just pretend it's against any team on the planet and it's January.

3) Carson Palmer's knee injury did not equal a Super Bowl loss

Look, I was cheering FOR you at this time. Mostly because Kyle Boller was terrible. Your team was great, but that game against the Steelers was going to be tough either way. That offense in 2005 was insane. However, if I hear one more stupid Bengal fan gripe about that crap when I talk about their playoff woes I'm going to chop them in the throat. That team wasn't going to be a dynasty off of one damn pass. So let's go over this one, last, time...It wasn't intentional, Chris Henry unfortunately died, Marvin Lewis shouldn't still be coaching this team and you suck as a human being. Thanks again. In case you forgot...

4) I truly miss when they were lovable losers

In all honesty I miss you being terrible. Do I enjoy being in what most consider the best division in football? Yes. Where is Akili Smith, Kijana Carter(and his terrible knees) and all the other busts you had UNTIL you got Chad Johnson. All your recent success against us has turned some of you into what you hate most. Steeler fans. That's what you are when you start all your stupid trash talk Bengal fan. Unfortunately for you, you don't have 6 titles to fall back on. Cough cough zero titles cough cough.

5) Their colors are black and orange

I mean, call me crazy, but isn't another team in the division wearing similar colors? They still stink. Either join them in their terribleness or change your damn colors. NO I'M NOT SUPPORTING YOUR TEAM, I'M WEARING A DAMN ORIOLES SHIRT YOU A-HOLE! I'M SORRY THAT THE NAME "TIGERS" WAS TAKEN BY AN MLB TEAM SO YOU HAVE TO CALL YOURSELF THE BENGALS AND USE BLACK AND ORANGE INSTEAD OF BLUE AND ORANGE. JESUS, COME UP WITH AN ORIGINAL FREAKING THOUGHT! What, ran out of animals? Thought Cheetahs or Hyenas sounded terrible? I mean your city's MLB team is the Reds, you could have just been a color....wait nevermind. Back to square one. How about I just continue to hate you and your face and we move on.

So there you go. Stands out like Andy Dalton at a WuTang concert. Now, if there is such thing as a "must win" in week 3, this is it. No team has started 0-3 since 1999 and made the playoffs. I don't want to test that theory especially going into Thursday night's game in Pittsburgh. Let's go boys, get this W so I can humble brag....otherwise known as brag...towards the Bengals fans at work.

Five Things I Hate About...the Oakland Raiders

Credit: NFL Memes

Man, it is really difficult to figure out five things to hate about this crap fest of a team. Two or three things sure, no problem. I mean, do I really "hate" the Raiders? Personally, I enjoy seeing this God awful, poor excuse of a football team on our schedule. Do I like seeing their name more than the Jags? No. However this was a battle within myself, considering I am like a jedi when it comes to hating things I think I can find a way.

1) Ruining draft picks since....forever

credit: Bleacher Report

I mean, no one is excited to get picked by this team. If I am 20-22 fresh off a college campus where I was considered an Adonis and now I am about to make millions for playing football, I wouldn't stop smiling. Then again, I'm not Amari Cooper (pictured above). Now it's early to say that he or Derek Carr have been ruined by this team. Their mantra of JUST WIN BABY! hasn't been too contagious on the likes of Jamarcus Russell or Darrius Heyward-Bey. They ruined a local guy from the University of Maryland! What douchebags! Their best pick of the last 15 years (other than possibly Khalil Mack, he still has time to be ruined to) is Sebastian Janikowski. Yeah....a kicker.

2) They think they have the greatest running backs of all time

As a kid of the 80s I am familiar with Tecmo Bowl. Those who aren't should study the video in which Bo Jackson is a straight up monster. There is no denying that if Bo knew how to have a healthy hip, I would have no leg to stand on. However, Bo Jackson of Tecmo Bowl fame is not walking through that door. I think what pisses me off the most about this is Barry Sanders(who was my guy back then) was in the same damn game and he couldn't do what Bo could do.

Yes yes, you had Marcus Allen, he's a hall of famer blah blah. I don't care. He's not in the top 10 rushing leaders of all time and within a few years he may not even be in the top 20. Hell if Frank Gore has a 1,000 yard season this year he will damn near pass him.

3) Craziest looking fans...ever

I mean, when we go to a game we are going to see some characters. All of us in Raven nation more than likely know who Captain Deeeeeeeefense is. Nothing, I mean nothing is crazier than what I have seen in the black hole. Yes I am aware how that sounds. No I am not going to change it! I have seen cross dressers, face paint, feathery boas, spikes coming out of football pads, skulls, crazy head gear and so much more. Why the hell are you doing it folks? You're team is like the Baltimore Orioles, except eventually they stopped losing. The Raiders have been terrible for 13 years running. Their last good season was 2002, the year they lost to the Bucs in the Super Bowl. Ever since, the best year they have had was a 8-8 record, twice. Just win baby my ass! I will say, I have been to some crazy places in Ravens gear, I don't know if the black hole is where I want to go...ever. I have a family to think about. Stabbity stabbity.

4) They are still letting Charles Woodson play?

Jesus, isn't that guy damn near 40? I swore to God he retired and while researching the team I realized, that was false. He's one of like 3 Raiders that might get my Tecmo Bowl reference that aren't on the coaching staff. Actually I guess he's not playing, he dislocated his shoulder. Well I guess it's time for him to pull a "Riggs" and fix that. YET ANOTHER REFERENCE HE WOULD GET CAUSE HE IS SO OLD!

 

5) Their fans are worse than Cowboys fans

I mean so many memes to depict this, so little time. Everyone knows that one fan who talks about the old days of John Madden, Fred Biletnikoff and Kenny Stabler. All the greats of Raider land. Sure you had some good years, almost 40 years ago! You're last Super Bowl win? 1983. A great year for me and you. I was born with years of success ahead of me. You're team won and now/forever...Raiders STILL suck. No matter where they are from. They are awful. So before you put on your murderous hello kitty like face paint remember, you're team is bad and you should feel bad.

So there you have it kiddos. Is it pretty? No, but neither are the Raiders (or their fans). Hopefully our boys in purple don't play down to this team cause it will not only make them look bad, it will make me look bad. DO IT FOR ME BOYS! Until we hate again...

Five Things I Hate About the Denver Broncos

This has been a long time coming. I have had a lot of hate brewing all summer for all of our opponents this year and FINALLY...I get to let it all out. No player is safe, no city is safe and certainly all of their fans may get a little butt hurt. If so, I must be doing something right.

1) That moment you realize Peyton Manning has a familiar face...

Just so you aren't confused that is NOT Peyton Manning. That is a picture of Rocky Dennis from The Mask. In all honesty I spent hours doing research on massive foreheaded human beings and this was the best match. If Peyton went on Maury to prove that this was not his child, the lie detector would detect...THAT WAS A LIE! Seriously just look at that forehead and imagine a giant red splotch from a helmet plastered in the middle of it. Want a visual aide?

YOU CAN'T DENY IT!

2) The amount of "fans" the team got when they signed Manning.

If people want to start calling Seahawk fans bandwagoners slow down. Broncos were the biggest ones on the planet. First they were super crazed for Tebow, guy wins a playoff game, he's our guy. Holy hell! We got Manning? Tebow sucks, I love this team now. Friends of mine(not living in Colorado) switched over to liking them as soon as Manning signs, I mean come on GTFOHWTBS. This seems similar to when they won back to back Super Bowls. At least, that was a successful team in the big game. Not just free agency.

3) They cried like whiners when we had to open our season there the year after we won the Super Bowl.

Am I the only one who remembers the video of the reporter in Denver walking around and mocking the Flacco banners? How dare the NFL market the defending Super Bowl champion! They clearly forgot what that was like 20 years ago when they won in Denver. Thanks for choking, er I mean playing.

4) Biff from Back to the Future is their GM

Man does he hate Baltimore, let's hate him back...together. Some of you youngins don't remember or maybe just haven't Googled it before, this guy denounced Baltimore when we drafted him as the Colts. He threatened to go play baseball....for the Yankees. What a douche!

5) Their inability to wear appropriate garments in 0 degree temperatures

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with that guy? It's a whopping -2 degrees wind chill and this ass hat is wearing a barrel, a cowboy hat and winter gloves. The suspenders aren't even covering those nips which I can assure you are poised for cutting a million pieces of glass. Lowe's should sign this guy up to be in their glass booth in the local Denver locations for that exact job. I just caught a cold looking at this. I now need to get some Theraflu.

Man that feels better. Feel free to add to the list because there are many more reasons to hate the folks of Mile High. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go put some food in Peyton Manning's mama's dish. Good evenin'!

Would the Real Contender...

Please stand up, please stand up. We're a contender so don't be a pretender and won't the real contender please stand up, please stand up, please stand up. Will Smith doesn't have to cuss in his blogs to get views, oh yeah well...

Well before I go all Marshall Mathers, this question is asked every season by the true contenders for a division. The Broncos faithful have to wonder if the Chiefs or Chargers are going to matter. The Colts have to hope for four more years of sucking for the Texans and Titans. The Patriots have, uh, the Patriots have, uhm, OH WAIT I GOT IT! The Patriots have to figure out how to make the NFL look like a bunch of morons each season and whether or not someone in their division might get out of mediocrity. While us in purple country, MD wonder who is going to be a bigger thorn in our side. The Steelers or Bengals.

If we all want to believe Sports Illustrated's Peter King who recently said we could go to the Super Bowl this season with the only thing being in our way....the Cincinnati Bengals. Citing that they have won 4 out of the last 5 meetings between us. That lone victory was the insane overtime home game where AJ Green caught that TD pass to tie the game off of a deflection from Ihedigbo. I had a Bengal fan drop this gem on me, "Andy Dalton (regular season version) always seems to be the Red Rifle against you, (terrible) against most everyone else." Easy bro, Dalton hasn't exactly been precise in our meetings. Surprisingly productive in crunch time yes but his TD-INT is terrible. He has 7(passing) TDs compared to 12 INTs. His QBR isn't that impressive either with only eclipsing a 90 rating twice (out of eight meetings). So while the Bengals fan may have said something silly, King points towards the Bengal defense as their reason for success. While our defense aged and hit kind of a rut, the Bengals have improved significantly on offense and defense over the past few years. Their D has held us to 18.8 points per game. Doesn't bode well for getting another important factor for success in the playoffs. King believes that for the Ravens to go to the promised land we need homefield advantage. I got to say, I 100% agree with that fact. The Harbaugh led Ravens are 45-11 at home and a measly 27-29 on the road during the regular season. Would you rather enjoy playing in the nest in downtown Baltimore for the AFC championship or freezing your nether regions off in Denver/New England?

That being said, let's look at who is actually playing New England on Thursday night. The Steelers will be opening the season against the reigning champs from New England where there are probably going to be a total of 90 points put up. The Steelers, like us, have had a severe change in their lineup over the past few years during our rivalry, arguably the best one in the sport. Their defense is just straight doo doo. While we (surprisingly) finished in the top 10 last year, Pittsburgh fell down into 18th. Not terrible but also not the Steeler football that we are used to seeing. On the flip side of that, they were the second in the league in both total offense (a mere .3 yards behind the Saints) and passing (behind Indy by 69 yards). The killer B's (Big Ben, Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown) all

The Killer B's
Photo Credit: Bleacher Report

have something to do with that. Brown and Bell are arguably the best at their position. Ben is the best QB in the division, ouch that hurt to type. Anyway the man is more than likely going to post a 5,000 yard season this year especially with Bell out the first two games of the year while going against okay pass defenses. New England doesn't really have a shut down corner(and Ben has done well before since Belichick hasn't figured him out). San Francisco may have one, in the year 2020. So he might legitimately have nearly 1,000 yards by the end of week 2. No Bell means little to no run game (sorry DeAngelo Williams) and even though the team is without their deep threat in Bryant they still have a bevy of other weapons they can use. The cupboard isn't bare in Pittsburgh. What does this have to do with the Ravens you say? Well in all honesty, as far as the season series goes we can usually pencil whip a 1-1 split between the teams. Most times they will be close, someone may die/get severely injured and we are going to have one of a battle with some jerkwad on social media about something Suggs does. Happens every time. The thing is, Pittsburgh always plays well later in the season, you know when the season is on the line, and we do get to play them in a part of their schedule that they are usually in a groove.

In all honesty there is a wrong answer here. That answer is what King said. I don't see how, with the chip on our shoulder from last year, we don't march all over Cincy when we play them in week 3. Harbs seems to be quite pissy lately when the team isn't performing up to par and I don't see them doing that again against the Bengals. Hell, by week 17 they could be out of the playoff picture. They have a tougher (first place) schedule, an aging oft injured defense, their star player is coming back from several injuries from just a season ago (A.J. Green) and a QB who (most of the time) chokes under pressure. I hate/respect Big Ben. If we aren't up by 9 or more against the Steelers with more than :35 on the clock I'm nervous. If anyone says other wise they are lying more than Tom Brady in court.

All in all I expect this year to be a down year for the Bengals and Coach Lewis to finally be cut loose. The Steelers, whether we like them or not, get the Ravens to play their best football. Even in the Boller years (ugh) we always got amped up to beat/play them. Plus that high powered offense utterly destroyed us last season and considering our lack of depth in the secondary it could happen again. Look for the Ravens and Steelers to be going blow for blow all season.

The North Report - Preseason Edition: Cleveland Browns

I know, I know. The Browns are awful! Why would anyone waste any portion of their life previewing a team that is more than likely going to finish last in the division, of which they MIGHT win 2 games in said division? Well for starters, it allows the writer to mock a crappy team and laugh at what poor soul decided being on the Browns was a good career move in the offseason. "I'm gonna go to the Super Bowl!," said no Browns QB ever.

Key Departure

Josh Gordon and Johnny Football's substance abuse problems? Well yes and no. In all seriousness the team lost a key piece to their offense when Jordan Cameron (not to be confused with Cameron Jordan) took his talents to South Beach to catch passes from Ryan Tannehill. Cameron's biggest issue was staying on the field in 2014 but it is hard to deny that he, at one time, was a dominant force in this offense. A piece defensive coordinators had to focus on and figure out how to eliminate him from their game plan. Add to that Gordon is serving a one year suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy which unfortunately takes out two cogs in the offense.

Without Gordon and Cameron the Browns will rely heavily on Andrew Hawkins, somewhere over the Dwayne Bowe, Brian Hartline and Gary Barnidge. Gary who? Gary "never had more than 13 receptions in a season, God I hope we have a good running game this year, is it January yet?"

Also, Brian Hoyer is gone. We knew that was going to happen when the team drafted Manziel.

What about the draft?

The Browns may not have made too many free agent splashes however they did have 12 draft picks this year. Before we go too crazy let's remember that there are 7 rounds to the draft and this team had 5 of those 12 picks in the 6th and 7th. However, that allowed them to add some young depth to their squad. Starting with their piss poor defensive line from a year ago that EVERYONE ran on, they went with a plug up the middle in DT Danny Shelton who adds depth to a line that lost a man to free agency and has another (Phil Taylor) returning from injury AND playing in a contract year, going young is a good move. Also in the first round they added depth to their offensive line (also piss poor) by adding Cameron Erving. It will solidify the right side of the Browns line as well as add much needed depth. Which is basically what the team did with the rest of the draft. Why in the hell this team drafted yet another running back (who fantasy types like myself are just hoping bursts through) I have no idea. For some reason this team took a flyer on Duke Johnson in the third round. Adding him to an already crowded backfield makes little sense but when do the Browns honestly make sense.

Did they pick up anybody?

Well I kind of spoiled it above discussing who was in the receiving core. The team acquired oldie but goodie Brian Hartline and younger unproven Dwayne Bowe. The biggest acquisition was the person throwing these two guys the ball. Josh McCown is in town, throwing balls around, not very sound and probably gonna go down....a lot. I don't really see this is much of an improvement at the position with Hoyer's departure. McCown is more of a veteran but he is still not throwing balls to the likes of Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffrey in Cleveland like he was when he was successful in Chicago. All in all this feels like a lateral move to McCown who is just a place holder until Manziel is ready to have another go at starting. I'm guessing by midseason it will be Johnny Football time.

Prediction

It's not hard to predict where these cellar dwellers will finish. They occasionally shock a division opponent and luck out playing the Raiders (who will probably beat them). Having a completely new offense as far as receivers go doesn't bode well along with a brand spanking new quarterback who is unproven without having superstar receivers to back him up. Their first four games are a complete tossup. They honestly could win all of the games (@Jets, Titans, Raiders & @Chargers) but after the division play starts. The NFC West starts and the good teams in the AFC West start. They go to Seattle and KC (losses no doubt) towards the end of the season. You know, to solidify their draft spot. It's going to be a long season for these guys. The defense may surprise some folks and if their offense can keep pace they are going to surprise some teams. Not enough to matter in the thick of things.

4-12, Last place, 2nd worst record in football

So that covers the division. Now we are ready for some FOOTBALL! Well after this last week of preseason that is. Let's just hope all teams get through this last game with the least amount of injuries, for fantasy purposes of course.