Five More Things I Hate About....the Cleveland Browns

credit: NFL memes

Yeah, I know we are no picnic either this season. However, we aren't the toilet bowl on a regular basis that is the Cleveland Browns. Besides, even with us being terrible I can still hate whoever the hell I want. This is 'murica dammit, why Abraham Lincoln chopped down that maple tree or whatever. Kidding....kidding. What I am not kidding about is that pile of hot garbage that is the Cleveland Browns.

1) Josh McCown owned our souls

That game was hard to watch. As someone who was in the stands, every time their offense was on the field the air was sucked out of the stadium after each and every first down the defense gave up. McCown would go on to have a career day with the Browns receivers. Not even the good one who is a massive stoner! I mean what the hell is that? It was frustrating to hear a guy's name so much who I honestly thought could have given me an honest discount double check at a State Farm branch(Gary Barnidge). Worse yet, I know all of you had to hear it from the usual suspects about making this clown look like the G.O.A.T. It was when I knew our season was done for. I had hope and then this jerkwad had to take a big dump on my dreams. Thanks a lot Josh McCown...you dream crusher!

2) They ruin former Ravens

Credit: Cleveland Browns Memes

Let us look at their history. They always seem to grab up our players after they have stellar seasons and we can't/won't afford them. Kruger is the most recent but think about all the previous guys who haven't amounted to jack squat on their team. Jamal Lewis was a shell of himself in Cleveland. As was Gary Baxter. You hear that Cleveland?!? You're team is a toilet flushing the careers of these poor guys who USED to be successful. Congratulations buttholes. Well whatever, they left for the money anyway. They knew they weren't going to win the big one. At least Kruger and Lewis got a ring first.

3) This game is being promoted as a game for draft picks

Jesus tap dancing Christ. I think I liked it better when it was promoted as, a rivalry game that for some reason the Ravens will keep close for far too long before just blowing them away. Currently we are a game up on Cleveland in the division and would be a few picks behind them in the draft. I...I can't. I can't do this! I will not discuss draft position. Who cares? The Browns will waste theirs on some idiot and we will trade down for depth. Seriously who gives a crap. ESPN must be promoting it that way to tie in Monday Night Football and the draft. Well played...

4) Johnny Manziel's Overpublicized Drinking Problems

Don't get me wrong, I will not make fun of alcoholism...just Johnny Manziel's alcoholism. First of all, if the douche wants to start drinking after being in rehab for months during the offseason then so be it. However, that isn't part of the 12 steps Johnny. No where in there does it say to dress up like Scooby Doo and go party. Personally, I never understood why people were so head over heels for this guy. Again just another reason ESPN needs more things to do with their spare time. Focus on more than one pompous career backup at best. His big PR nightmare has just been wonderful and has now cost him the starting job. Here I thought him being god awful would do that for him. 

That being said, just say no Johnny....just say no.

5) I think I might just sleep this one out

I might just have a tryptophan hangover for 5 days and sleep this one out. I mean honestly I might make it through 20 minutes of the Matt Schaub era before I throw up and go to sleep. Possibly in that order. Maybe not? Gotta keep it interesting. Anyway this is a game between a team with more than 50% of the big skill players injured and the Browns. THE BROWNS! Who decided to give them a Monday night game in the first place? Smooth move Goodell! I am thinking that the season finale rerun of The Walking Dead will get better ratings. You know it's going to be on again, you know you are going to watch it for easter eggs. Tasty.


With that being said, hope all the readers have a happy and safe Thanksgiving holiday. Filled with naps and football games better than this one.

All in all this is just a down and out season and I hope these little hate articles are helping you all through these tough times. I know that it helps me get the rage out of the closet. Its like the polar opposite of Little Sweet, just mad and not smooth at all. Not moving up a banister defying gravity but breaking said banister with someone's face! Think the Hulk with Loki in The Avengers.

Five Things I Hate About...the Jacksonville Jaguars

credit: NFL Memes

Yawn, what a week. Locals here in Baltimore got to watch the unfortunate last second victory the Pittsburgh Steelers had over the Raiders, you know the last team I had a hell of a time hating on. As if that wasn't hard enough now I have the pleasure of looking at hating on one of the worst run franchises in the UK....er I mean America. Going to have to turn up the hate for this one...

That seems about right. Let's do this!

1) Jacksonville Jaguars or is it London's Losers?

Personally I enjoy having a game on while I eat my breakfast on a Sunday. Even if it is this god forsaken crap fest of a team. What is going to bother the ever loving crap out of me is when/if they move this franchise to London permanently. Could you imagine that road trip? What if you have back to back road games? Hell, why don't we put a team in Paris and Belgium. Knock the whole trip out at once. I get the globalization of the game, I do. For god's sake there aren't enough bye weeks or craps to give about the Jags over there. I mean, have any of you watched a game from the other side of the pond(that phrase is annoying)? Half the fans show up wearing 3 or 4 different team's gear. You're doing it wrong!

2) Their WRs are by far better than anything we have

credit: SB Nation

Hurns and Robinson have truly achieved "men above bitches" status this year. Bortles has clearly developed into a reliable guy who can chuck the damn ball 60 times a game and these guys snag it for scores. It's damn disgusting. The Ravens front office seem to be able to draft every position known to man except a freaking receiver. It pisses me the hell off. I think the most hilarious thing is the amount of people who thought Julius Thomas would be the best receiver on this team. Those same people decided to draft Thomas and leave Hurns/Robinson on the waiver wire. Nice work fantasy gurus!

3)  Even when we aren't terrible they can beat us

credit: NFL Memes

Before we all start drinking the Kool-Aid believing we are NOT a 2-6 team as well, let's remember that even when we weren't terrible we had issues beating this team. Even when this team was starting the likes of Blaine Gabbert we had issues beating them in Jacksonville. You know, in front of 35 Jags fans. We lost to a Jack Del Rio run team on a Monday night when we were fighting for a playoff spot and they were attempting to not have the first pick. I'm just saying, their offense is powerful enough to run through our defense like a burrito from Chipotle through your digestive tract.

credit: Comedy Central

4) Wait a damn minute, we're both 2-6 right now?

That moment you realize that 3 months ago we were Super Bowl favorites (for some reason) and now can't seem to put a winning streak together. Which means we are currently battling it out for the bottom of the barrel also known as the "glory that is failure." An utter disappointment where you are barely playing for pride and a high draft pick. A phrase that is rampant in my fantasy league. I know, none of you care. That being said, how in the hell are we equal to this team in wins? In all honesty, we should be worse. Their offense (at some positions) is better than ours and their defense is not nearly is poor. 

5) For some reason, the NFL gave them a team before they thought Baltimore deserved a team

credit: NFL Memes

Yeah....Paul Tagliabue can go to hell. The man that said we should build a museum instead of a stadium with our tax dollars back when he expanded the NFL in 1993. The Jags started playing games in 1995. Sure, the team was successful back when Mark Brunell was at the helm but since he has retired, not so much. Blackout games locally and a half empty stadium year after year while we here in Baltimore have to get on a list just to have a glimpse of going to more than one game without spending a mortgage payment/rent on said game. Sure I know this is a bad year to give anyone a hard time about attendance as now it seems that the Ravens are having as much difficulty to fill the place. That being said, Jacksonville as a football town is terrible. Whether our team is good or bad we still sell out we just don't always show up. Going to an NFL game shouldn't be similar to showing up in a town for a baseball game. Meaning I shouldn't be able to go to the ticket booth on a Sunday morning and grab a ticket for that days game. Pretty sure that could/would happen in Jacksonville. Your town is bad and you should feel bad Jacksonville!

While not my most difficult hate article, it definitely had it's hardships. Hopefully when we are enjoying wings and beers this Sunday we will be celebrating a Ravens victory of more than one score. That would be fantastic. Surprising but great nonetheless. Until we hate again...fools.

Five Things I Hate About...the San Diego Chargers

It's like we are looking for new ways to win. Would you look at that, here comes a team who was led by a derpy quarterback last season to steal a win. Now this season it wouldn't be stealing. It would still be theft of some kind but like only a misdemeanor. As I have stated many articles before, I can continue to drop hate bombs all over the place and I am especially pissed about the Ravens. So I think its time to look for the signal.

Thanks Maximus. Let's do this!

1) Philip Rivers Face

That is a face that only his mama could love. But man oh man, do I ever want to punch the hell out of that face. He makes some of the bitchiest, sarcastic, borderline mental faces on the sideline. You can literally google "Philip Rivers face" and get emotion selections on the photo page. Hopefully this ass clown is making a frowny face come the end of the game this week.

2) Philip Rivers voice

Rarely do I select one player for two different reasons to hate on someone but I purely hate his,"aw shucks," attitude. It's confusing. Did someone change the channel to a Dukes of Hazard rerun? Is Forrest Gump on? Am I watching Nascar? Are we in pit row? I just saw you crying like a little baby on the sideline but now you sound like you are about to sell me a used car covered in BBQ sauce. Like here is an example of an interview with Rivers.

"Well Philip what did you see out there today when you threw 2 interceptions in the fourth?'

"Well my mama always said that sharing was caring, now if you'll excuse me I gotta fix my bolo tie."

What the hell is the deal with that? I know you are a man of the south but not the DEEP south. You aren't an oil tycoon, fried chicken salesman, cowboy or my great grandfather. My great grandfather wore them, he was awesome. I'm going to need you to remove them from your wardrobe, IMMEDIATELY, as you are in fact...NOT AWESOME!

3) So many LTs

No, no there isn't. There is one and he loves young girls, cocaine and breaking Joe Theismann's leg on national television. Wu-Tang never rapped about you in one of their verses so you lose Ladainian. Perhaps there is still some rage over you TD vulturing a younger RB back when I decided against getting you in fantasy when you were nearly 100 years old in RB years. RB years, fun fact, equivalent to dog years. On a serious note, LT = Lawrence Taylor ONLY!

4) Antonio Gates please....just retire already

You are just killing every wide receivers value in fantasy. Your first week back you styled on everyone and you have made my late pick of Stevie Johnson look pretty stupid. It actually didn't look dumb until your large and in charge self came back from your PED suspension. Ya jerk. I should beat you up in a hot tub like Ruxin did in The League! The worst thing about him is his confusing fantasy output. You play him, 0-4 points. You sit him. 29 points. WTF?!?!?!?!?

5) The city was the centerpiece for one of the greatest comedies of a generation

You stay classy Ron Burgundy! If you don't know about Anchorman you're life hasn't been too much fun. Whammo! Anyway, the damn movie is so awesome, so quotable and so helps me getting this last thing in just so I can say that San Diego is German for a whale's vagina. Totally not Spanish, it's one of life's great mysteries. It's just not fair. I mean, I guess we did have Major League 2. Nope, not the same. DAMN YOU SAN DIEGO!

Well there you have it kiddos. We gonna win a home game? That would be great. I have had steeler fans elbow deep in my butt since we haven't won a home game yet. That sounded...gross. We should have won at least 1 home game by now. WHY CAN'T WE WIN?!? Until we hate again.

Five Things I Hate About...the Pittsburgh Steelers

I feel like I have seen that game before. Back and forth, being on the losing end of yet another low time amount TD to AJ Green. It's getting old boys! We still believe! Well some of us do, some of us go on talk radio and lose our mind! The one thing that never gets old, hating on the Steelers. Now I have had some posts where it was hard to come up with five things. For this, you mean I only need five?

1) Why oh why did they have to be so good in the 70s

credit: Amazon

This one is personal. My wife grew up around the time of Terry Bradshaw and the steel curtain battling it out with the Cowboys (her dad's team). While I thank the football God's she isn't a damn Boys fan I have to remember that she is a hated rivals fan. Now I have to go through life getting asked stupid questions like, "How did this happen?" Or hearing fun things directed towards her like, "go home bitch!,"or, "I knew there was a reason I liked your wife." Guess which fan says what in those previous interactions. If they could have just sucked like they did in the 3 decades prior that would have been fantastic. Alas, they didn't, so I have to stare at a black and white framed photo of Bradshaw on my wife's nightstand. Three pictures on that damn thing, Bradshaw, our daughter and our first dog. Notice there was no mention of me in there. DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU BRAAAAAAAAAADSHAAAAAAW!

Eh, I got the wedding photo over the bed. Suck it Bradshaw!

2) Wishy Washy Fan Reactions to Michael Vick

credit: NFL Memes

Some fans, could care less. "He served his time blah blah blah here we go blah blah black and yellow blah blah terrible towel blah blah QUEST FOR 7 blah blah."  I know, I know....Ray Rice. I heard it already! Am I condoning what either of them did? No. Did I support Rice when it all went down? No. However, your new backup served time for running a dog fighting ring where multiple dogs were killed and mistreated. My guy punched his future wife. Just sayin'. Your QBs tend to make poor decisions. Hoping for more from Vick on Thursday.

I personally enjoy talking to the ones who hate the move...like the wife. "I...can't believe they signed him. I'm embarrassed. I don't know if I can support them." Did I mention the dog photo on the nightstand over me? Okay, now that we're clear...

3) Hines Ward's face

credit: steelers.com

That smile probably means he just legally blind side blocked the hell out of somebody and gave them a concussion. Ward has the same effect as Derek Jeter had/has on me. I hate/respect him. Ward was a warrior and one of the reasons that the Steeler/Raven rivalry is so great today. Would I have taken him on my team? Oh hell yeah. Would I have enjoyed seeing him fall through the ground in The Dark Knight Rises? Bane is an ass hat for NOT doing that. Did I enjoy seeing him get blown away in The Walking Dead? I would have, if he would have been on screen for more than 10 seconds. I do take some pleasure knowing he had to sit through all the time of having the makeup put on for only a few seconds of work...however, still awesome to have been on the show. DAMN YOU WARD! EVEN IN RETIREMENT WE STILL HATE YOU! Admit it, you know you boo when NBC is in town and he shows up. He feeds off those like a warlock feeds off tears.

credit: examiner.com

4) Joey Porter is still a douche

I have hated this guy for as long as I can remember. It pains me to still see him on the damn sideline. I mostly hate him for one play in particular. Way back in my drunken youth (2004) we were playing the Steelers here at the big crab cake. Todd Heeeeeeeeeeeeap (yeah we started that before your little Heeeeeeeeeeeath chant d-bags) came back from a play and was limping badly. He had, what looked like, hurt his ankle on the play and the Ravens were rushing to the line to spike the ball to stop the clock. Porter, in his infinite wisdom, pushed Heap to the ground as Boller spiked the ball. Porter denied it as a cheap shot and said Heap could have been faking and that this is just football. After that moment I busted my roommates chops and called my friend (and future wife) to call her player an a$$hole. They both gave the same defense. 

Probably cause they were butthurt to have lost to a Kyle Boller led Ravens team, 30-13. I don't blame you, if I lost to a pile of garbage in a game of Madden I'd be pissed to.

5) There is no arguing with SOME of their fans

Now, some of them do actually have some damn sense. Just like some Ravens fans(stop stereotyping us Steeler fan). True football heads are hard to come by but when you can have an educated conversation with a rival fan without ever hearing the phrase, "WE HAVE 6!," or "QUEST FOR 7!" It's a beautiful thing. Like seeing a rainbow, finding the pot of gold at the end of said rainbow and enjoying an ice cold one as you swim around your new riches. However with Steeler fans it's like seeing a freaking unicorn. It never happens. Most keep that stupid title comment in their back pocket along with "hate us cause they ain't us" which is just a totally overused phrase that needs to just die. The people that use that phrase are usually the ones that try to bet on games with you before you even know who is going to be on the team. Listen here Mitch, can we get to March before you want me to drop a 50 spot on the game? K! Thaaaaaaaaanks.

I am shocked that took more than 10 minutes to type up! I'm disappointed, that I didn't have more hate! The thing is with this team, we all have plenty. While I haven't been to a Ravens Steelers game in nearly a decade I can honestly say that those were the most intense games I went to. I saw more fights pregame than anyone can imagine and would almost bet to see more at the game were I there on Thursday. Hopefully the Ravens put up a good showing cause you know with Vick out there its going to be a dog fight. Waka waka kids!

credit: muppethub.com