Five Things I Hate About...the Arizona Cardinals

Okay so, we're terrible. We're more than likely not going to the postseason and perhaps we should start watching some prospects for the draft. Unfortunately we aren't in the NFC East where 7-9 might win the division. However, just because our team is awful doesn't mean I can't hate our opponents guts. Besides, all your spirits need lifting, I have heard how depressed people sound on sports radio. It's like our dog died.

Nonetheless, the hate shall flow through me...

1) It's a dry heat...

First of all, its f-ing hot. Let's just leave it at that. This isn't a damn Science class where I need you to explain the humidity differences and blah blah. It's 100+, I don't wanna hear that crap. It's like the most common thing you hear about when people talk about traveling or living in Arizona. Convos go like this..
"Hey buddy, where did you say you went on vacation?"
"We went out west to Arizona."
"Oh man, was it hot?"
"Yeah but it's different, it's a dry heat."

Shut up, just shut the hell up. Talk about the desert, or the desserts you had in the desert you non-spelling fools. Just stop talking about the damn heat.

2) They literally die on our fantasy roster

I have been playing fantasy sports for what feels like an eternity. Without a shadow of a doubt, every damn time I draft a Cardinal player with some upside he gets hurt. Yes, it's usually a running back. I to this day would still punch Tim Hightower in the face. That goalline vulture was fantastic for me in his rookie season. So I kept getting him, injury, poor performance lose job. In recent years it has been Andre Ellington. Oh what's that? You drafted one of the infinite quarterbacks they had in recent memory? Well I mean, they only had three start last year. Oh you drafted their stellar defense? Their leading pass rusher gets hurt. It's like Bad Luck Brian with this team. Drafts Andre Ellington, Tears ACL in Week 2. 

3) They didn't beat the Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII

This would give the Steelers their 6th championship and an infinite amount of time to talk trash until someone wins a 6th or we go 2-14 with both wins being against the Steelers. That would be awful for everyone involved. However, this also gave us the longest play in Super Bowl history as we all got to time James Harrison scamper (huff, puff and nearly die) on his 100 yard return. My wife lost her mind...I just had to sit there and smile. In case you forgot (enjoy the Madden flashback)

Thanks again for that memory Arizona(and Kurt Warner). You let us down.

4) For the first time in as long as I can remember, we were a sure thing to bet against

Okay, you aren't ignorant. There are gamblers out there and prognosticators who pick games for a living. Generally, if you don't know how it works, they pick a few games and then will pick their "locks of the week," "guarandamntee of the week," "sure thing of the week," or "we ran out of creative ways to say this pick of the week." This week on ESPN, one of their talking heads (might have been cousin Sal from Jimmy Kimmel) dropped the Cardinals as his sure thing this week. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't think the man has a bad choice there. We are god awful and this Arizona defense is relentless. That being said....it still pissed me off. Being a bad team sucks.

5) Larry Fitzgerald has found the fountain of youth

Remember when his decline meant the end of his career? Well, so much for that. He has been on a stellar run (which while great for my fantasy team sucks for my actual team). Fitz is starting to look like he will have one of those Steve Smith Sr. seasons like Smith had last year. Great for about half the season (like if you have Fitz on fantasy you should have traded him 2 weeks ago) and then fall off. Honestly he has already started to. I assure you that he will gain "man among bitches" status for this game as our secondary is lackluster to say the least. This team is full of weapons as it is, honestly two is three too many for the Ravens secondary to worry about. 

Well there you have it. No matter how much our team falters, I will still hate with the best of them. Although, I have to say, we might be due for a list of things that are pissing me off about the Ravens. I'm an equal opportunity hater. I damn near hate everyone! Until we hate again.

Five Things I Hate About....the San Francisco 49ers

credit: NFL Memes

I know people. How can one man continue his hatred of other franchises when his team is in such disarray. Well, it's pretty damn easy. Just keep the hate strong and maybe a win will come along to make it that much sweeter. Besides, we all need to laugh at this point. Sure, we made Josh McCown look like Joe Montana, the good news is that the last guy mentioned retired years ago. So when we head to San Fran we are playing another bad team.

So without further adieu, let's get this hate train rolling!

1)Colin Kaepernick...is a terrorist

Or is he Squidward, some midget in a Spiderman costume, Gonzo from the Muppets, a large nosed monkey? No one truly nose....errr I mean knows. Honestly just think of someone, anyone with a big nose and that is your guy. Your accountant? You betcha! Skeeter from Doug? Why the hell not?!? The guy has a ski slope for a nose and a dirt spot on his chin, pretty easy target bro. Might as well wear a dart board on your back.

credit: NFL Memes

2) Who's got it better than them....

Well currently not us, however Michigan seems to be better than them. Half the league seems to be better than both of us. How about we let that one die with Jim Harbaugh rolling out of town. This was just an annoying thing that they did that really just pissed me off. It's much worse than whodey, whodat, here we go....wait, nothing is more annoying than that damned Steeler song. Anyway...shut up niner fans.

3) For the last time, you LOST the damn Super Bowl in 2013

credit; sportsmemes.net

Okay, we know, calls were missed. You don't have to be so butthurt about it. Saying the game was fixed because of Ray Lewis (who maybe you should have exploited more cause he couldn't cover a damn thing in that game) is bogus. The game was fixed because your idiotic coach got too cute and gave up on the run when it was CLEARLY working late in the game. The game was fixed because of over a half hour delay when the Ravens were DESTROYING you which allowed your niners to get back in the game. The game was fixed because Jimmy Smith interfered with Crabtree, he held him. Well...that part even Smith admitted was true. However....run the damn ball. As a former fan of this team in my youth (when Montana was king) I understand your frustration but as a current fan of my hometown Ravens I've got two words for ya...

4) Your coach looks like a porn star

While I have to debate with myself if that is awesome or not, I gotta say that the amount of memes with him and Ron Jeremy are bugging the living hell out of me. I mean there really isn't much more to say about this other than show you these...

I know that last one is just Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force but that one is a classic. Total classic.

5) Jesus, we know 5 championships

Now there are a lot of memes with old ladies in them talking about the last living cheerleader when the niners won. While that was nearly 20 years ago (Young over the Chargers), the memes are just ridiculous. Mostly from Seahawks bandwagoners no doubt but I will save that for another hate article. Needless to say their last win was that one sided affair back in 1995 and they haven't won since. The Ravens and Niners were the only two teams to never have lost a Super Bowl in their franchises history. We all know how that turned out. I really think the arguments regarding titles needs to be if you were a fan (alive) at the time of said championship and if you want to debate me there, fine. Name me some people from the roster without your phone, google, internet, smoke signals, your best friends hand signals or whatever. Naming just Montana, Rice, Young or Clark will not get you bonus points. What's that? You got nothing, thought so...douche.

There you have it. I don't know how much longer I can keep may rage regarding my own team encased. I might have to let it loose sooner...rather than later. Until we hate again.

Five Things I Hate About...the Cleveland Browns

It is pretty easy to hate this team. Unlike the Raiders (even though they have looked surprisingly not terrible) the Browns are a division rival of a town our team "migrated" from. While I do utterly enjoy their awful ability (most of the time) to play the game of football, there are times where they do surprise us. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me hate them any less.

1) They act like Art Modell was Robert Irsay

First of all, shut up. Second of all, shut up. I mean, the man moved a team with plenty of notice and let the city keep the history. Sure, I know it sucks that the team left. Let's be real, if they stayed in Cleveland they weren't going to win the Super Bowl like the Ravens did. Unless this is an alternate universe and your team was actually good. It has gotten to the point where a fan went to his grave and relieved himself on it. I mean, that is class with a capital GFY. Kids tell your parents to google that one. Anyway, Modell and Irsay aren't in the same conversation. When a man leaves you in the middle of the night with no notice and runs off with a franchise you call me you whiny losers!

Wait don't, I don't think I have enough anytime minutes.

2) Viewing Johnny Manziel like the team drafted the G.O.A.T.

Watching this poor over privileged kid suffer his bumps and bruises is very amusing. Mostly because it just means the Browns have no idea what to do. The thing that got me was ESPNs wall to wall coverage of the kid. WHY? I mean, let's just be honest with ourselves. I am! I know that Ozzie Newsome can't draft a top tier wideout. Everything else, sure. The modern day Browns CAN'T draft and develop a quarterback. Let's look at your craptacular history with the second coming. Just since 2009 you have had 12 quarterbacks start, (22 since you reentered the league in 1999). You have ruined the lives of Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Brandon Weeden and Colt McCoy just to name a few. Do yourself a favor and pick up from the trash heap of the rest of the league and leave the drafting of QBs to the professionals. Morons!

3) They think they are going to the playoffs every year

I'm all for supporting your team. We had lovable losers for 14 straight seasons over at Camden Yards. We accepted their inability to win until they actually were playing well IN THE END OF THE SEASON! I don't care if your P.O.S. team is playing well up until week 4. They more than likely have a new coach who hasn't proven squat and neither has upper management. When they still matter in week 10, fine. When I see their fans going ape after 4 weeks of the season and they are miraculously in first (obviously not this year but for example, 2013 when the Steelers were 0-4). Easy Romeo. You're team isn't consistent enough to brag at all. Let nature take it's course and have the season smash their head with a rock.

4) The Dog...Dawg...Duhog...whatever pound

Look, I don't get it. I don't understand the association with dogs and your team. It makes no damn sense. Most of you are wearing those stupid, glum dog masks. What's your deal? Ugly face? Big Arsenio Hall fan? Not wanting to be seen at a Browns game perhaps? Either way, I'm going to need you to give me a history lesson to tie the two together. Wait, scratch that, I don't care. Enjoy watching hot garbage on the field loser.

5) Cleveland does NOT in fact, rock

I've never been to Cleveland but I hear it's pretty awful there. Oooooo the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame....and we're done sight seeing. I mean, you can try and blame Lebron leaving on effecting the downtown area but he's back now so you can't blame Lebron for anything....can you? Your best known for being utter failures so if you could just keep doing that that would be great. Stay crappy Cleveland!

Man, the hate is strong. That wraps up this edition. Think I took it easy on them? Feel free to jump in the comments with your suggestions for more hate towards Cleveland. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it.