Fantasy Journal - 3 Weeks in the Books

So we are 3 weeks into the NFL and (more importantly in some eyes) the fantasy season. Some might feel ineligible for the playoffs with an 0-3 record (as Sam Jackson would say, "Not me!"). Others are dealing with injuries and/or under performance of top draft picks (officially never drafting Ryan Grant, ever!). All are trying to fix issues, whatever they are. No matter the record, there is always a position that can be amended.

So for the amusement of others (and to let out my fantasy rage) here is how I am doing with my leagues.

ESPN League - Fags On Football (12 team)

• Record - 1-2
• Issues - Oh where to begin with this crapfest of a team. Ryan Grant's ankle kills me, LT's reemergence as...LT destroys my second draft pick in Shonn Greene and Jay Cutler is my starting QB (inconsistency). Cutler leads the league in called back interceptions (5 last Monday...wait he just threw another 1) and I lead my league in lack of scoring. I put up over 100 the first week but could only muster 41 this past week. My WR's haven't been performing (really Colston! NO TD'S! SERIOUSLY?!?! YOU PLAY FOR THE SAINTS! Even David Thomas has a TD!).
• Reasons to have hope - Luckily I drafted decently in later rounds picking up Matt Forte and Thomas Jones. So at RB I think Jones may be my savior (as opposed to Jamaal Charles owners, who look at Jones as Judas) but my major issue comes at WR. Ochocinco blew up in week 1 but since has only led the league in tweets. Colston is allergic to the goalline this season as Brees has thrown to everyone else in this juggernaut of an offense. Luckily Johnny Knox is looking like a genius pickup in the later rounds as he is the clear deep threat in the Bears offense. One issue I left out above is my lack of performance from the TE position. Having Vick under center has hurt Brent Celek owners who were looking forward to a decent season with a Kolb Konnection for double digit TDs. That is not going to happen with Vick out there. I recently acquired Aaron Hernandez from the waiver wire. He leads the league in hype from fantasy "experts" and targets. While he may be without a TD he gets yards and has soft matchups against TE friendly defenses coming up. Like this Monday against Miami who made Dustin Keller look like Antonio Gates. This is the same Keller who still has no idea where the first down marker was after Ray Lewis jacked him up on the previous third down play. Also no one is really walking away with this league. The only one getting crushed...is me.
• Talking trade - I haven't done a decent trade midseason since my championship season on CBS's website (which apparently, no one in that league remembers). I traded for Larry Johnson (when he was still good) and he crushed everyone (everything) in my way. This time I am looking at trading my free agent pickup of Mike Tolbert. San Diego's goalline bloodhound is poaching carries from a struggling Ryan Mathews. So any value I can get from a bye week filler is good. Especially when you consider the Seahawks D, a totally different monster at home, and the fact that I would then own Leon Washington's return value. We each would be taking a chance but I need a D for my bye week, in a 12 team league it's slim pickings.

Yahoo! League - CBS Will Always Suck (10 team friends and family)

• Record - 2-0-1 (first place...first plaaaaaaaaaa-uh-uh-ace, ahead on points)
• Issues - This fun bunch has really underperformed when it comes to defense and RBs. Mostly because of my man crush on Ray Rice which has gotten me 21 points (7 pt avg) and no TDs. Not a good number from a first draft pick. Add to that he has gotten banged up the past two games (knee and ankle) and the sum is one worried fantasy owner. Other under performers are Knowshon Moreno who has been out with a hamstring injury but other than that has been great (that was until Maroney was picked up). While Felix Jones has done absolutely nothing. The Cowboys rushing offense has looked terrible and Jones has only mustered 8 total points through 3 weeks. Fail Jones! Speaking of those 'Boys, I dropped their defense after they looked awful against the 'Skins and Bears. How can you not get a turnover off Jay Cutler in your own house! Then they looked great against the juggernaut known as the Houston Texans. I will pick them back up as they are the type of defense that could get on a hot streak later in the year.
• Reasons I am Number 1 - I am currently riding the Michael Vick experience and it has been pretty awesome. 87 pts (750 yds passing, 6 TDs ; 170 rush yds, TD) has been great. Considering he outperformed Peyton Manning this week, I couldn't be happier. Speaking of week 3, WE FLY HIGH....BOLDIN! It was definitely the Wright decision to stick with him. Eric Wright, you are my MVP for not covering him at all in that game. Good work son! Speaking of avoiding coverage, Antonio Gates has been great as well. He can blow up at any moment and when he isn't scoring TDs he always manages to get yardage. That's more than most can say for their WR/TE flex position.
• Trade bait... - Speaking of Gates, I am not saying I WANT to trade him. However if the right offer came along I might part with him. He has injury issues and with my luck this season (read above ESPN league rage) I feel like he is due. I would want top tier position talent for him, no doubt. He is after all, #1 at his position.

Yahoo! League - Battle for Awesomeness (12 team)

• Record - 2-1 (5th, 205 pts, 198 PA)
• Issues - Ray Rice strikes again. Read above rage about that. Inconsistent QB play (Kolb injury didn't help, wasn't quick enough on Vick in this league) from Carson Palmer who has only 38 pts (29 in week 1...on my bench) and my recent acquisition of Josh Freeman (49 pts, sat last week because of Pitt D) hasn't helped in my past 2 weeks of wins. My other top RB is Jamaal Charles (mentioned above in ESPN rage) who I now get to rage about Thomas Jones. Todd Haley (Chiefs Head Coach) clearly is protecting Charles from being Larry Johnson which is okay. As long as they keep winning and play in the AFC West, Charles will get yards and hopefully long TDs. Jones is great, inside the 20's.
• Reasons to look forward to the playoffs - Austin Collie, while on my bench for his best game, has been looking great. Luckily Pierre Garcon hasn't been able to catch a cold and Anthony Gonzalez is injured...again. Hooray for me! The WR core I have here is pretty solid with Desean Jackson in there as well. Jackson is always great for a big play and considering in this league return points are awarded to a player and NOT team defense there is a reason to think he could find the end zone each week. Speaking of return points, CJ Spiller FINALLY has shown up in the fantasy world. Exploding last week with a return TD and a reception TD he totaled 20 points (YAY!) on my bench (BOO!)
• Trade bait... - Honestly Rice is one I would trade for the right talent. Rice has a great upside. Mainly because he has no where to go but up. With Charles on his bye week and Moreno being solid when he plays I may be able to pass Rice off to a needy team (that is obsessed with him). So if someone is reading this and wants to offer me a decent back or receiver, I am open to trade talks.

So there you have it. Fantasy rage/gloating complete. For now. Want to mock me? Tell me how awesome I am? Suggest a player that could help me? Ask for advice? Insult my ability to end all my blogs with a bunch of questions? Want to leave a comment? Gopher it!

Tuesday Fantasy Yuckfest - 9/14/10 Edition

Whether you want to admit it or not, some of you have already begun dumping players. Thinking some were a bad idea. Hitting the panic button. We are all people and I feel your pain.



This may become a weekly thing where I poke fun at fantasy blunders from the week.



I Want to Punch Myself in the Face for... (additions in bold)

• Having Kevin Kolb and Carson Palmer in two of my leagues and opting to not start Palmer in both games. Palmer would have won me the game and saved me a headache. Speaking of headache, Kolb suffered a concussion in the first quarter (fourth play?) of the game Sunday. Which also effected Desean Jackson's production although Michael Vick was running everywhere (103 yards rushing in the game), that didn't help me this week.


• Making an excellent sleeper pick that I thought could be filler and left him on my bench in week 1. If this is true than Hakeem Nicks(for me it was Knowshon Moreno) was on your bench. Which means you and a buddy of mine in our ESPN league have something in common. Hopefully your team put up more than 28 points though. Just the worst display of fantasy football play ever to only get 28 points. Speaking of a sleeper pick.
• Being able to say this, "Arian Foster alone beat me." I can't say it but if you can, you are not happy right now. While we are on the subject. (added 9/15/10)
• Not drafting Arian Foster. I mean, he wasn't off my radar. Nor was he drafted that late. He looked to be a great later round pickup, honestly though. How often will the Texans run the ball that much? Why do I have a feeling that this question will bite me back later?


• Tying. Seriously Rivers, 4 opportunities and Gates couldn't get 1 ball thrown his way?!? I mean what are you trying to prove? I don't care that he was triple covered, throw him the ball. He's Antonio Gates! You play to win the game!


• Losing to someone who started Santonio Holmes. This was even after I told her he wouldn't do anything. Hello! He's suspended. Unfortunately, Kolb's concussion killed me. Along with well...you know. Sitting Palmer!


• Talking up Ryan Grant. Who apparently has a "significant ankle injury." Great. Just wonderful. Grant looks to be a candidate for my banned from roster list. Which leads me to my next point.


• Not picking up Brandon Jackson immediately when Grant went down. I have Grant in two leagues and attempted to pick him up in my ESPN league (won't know until Weds. if I got him off waivers). He was already gone in my Yahoo! league.

I'm sure there are more out there. Give me your reason for displays of violence against yourself or others. Did you just want to destroy something beautiful? Or want to punch someone who talks so much smack about their championship(s). Let me hear about it!

Fantasy Journal - OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

The fantasy football season starts, TOMORROW! Did your head explode? Mine did. For the past 2 weeks all I've my chronic ESPN and Yahoo following has come to my teams being drafted. Starting lineups prepped, prepped, and prepped again. However, readers of my blog are so far behind. I had two drafts and haven't even bragged/complained about my team yet!



My two Yahoo! drafts went better than expected. Not only was my 12 team league faster than the 10 team in draft time (shocking!) and my teams might not suck! So instead of analyzing all my picks I will tell my position in each draft and who I selected. Each league has a roster as follows:



QB, RB, RB, WR, WR, RB/WR, WR/TE, Defense, Kicker



The first being the 12 team league early Sunday afternoon. A league in which I finished out of the playoffs last season, hello early draft position this season!





League Name - Battle For Awesomeness
Team Name - The Junk Punters



(because a kick to your crotch feels so top notch!) go to the link to get the reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vglZCRMbyQ



This season I decided to show my loyalty and my love towards my first pick. With the second pick I snagged Ray Rice, over Captain Fumblitis Mr. Adrian Peterson. Rice killed it for me last year in my ESPN league so I couldn't deny him a spot on my roster. So after him my draft looked like this, pick number in parentheses. Desean Jackson (23), Jamaal Charles (26), Dallas Clark (47) , Kevin Kolb (50), Malcolm Floyd (71), Felix Jones (74), Philadelphia D (95), C.J. Spiller (98), Carson Palmer (119), Lee Evans (122) , Darren Sproles (143), Austin Collie (146), Fred Taylor (167) and Robbie Gould (170). All in all this looks like the best team I have ever had in this league. At least right now they lead the league in high hopes. Kolb is a bit of a risky pick but I wanted at least one QB/WR connection.

Monday 9/13/10 Update:

• Hey, guy who wrote this Saturday, Kolb sure was a risky pick! DUH! Going into the Monday Night games I am down 60-29. I have 3 players remaining, 2 RBs and a WR (Rice @ Jets, Charles vs. SD and Floyd @ KC), so I am not completely out of it yet. Not too confident about Rice against the Jets to open the stadium. Charles and Floyd will hopefully produce against poor defenses. Add to the fact my opponent still doesn't understand what NA next to Santonio Holmes means (it doesn't mean he's carrying narcotics[again], it means he is not active!), I think there is a slight chance. Now excuse me as I punch myself for not just starting Carson Palmer.

My friends and family league (10 team head to head) drafted on Labor Day a little before 1pm. Imagine to my surprise that the guy with the number 1 pick (who didn't want Chris Johnson) ate his entire draft clock therefore autopicking Johnson. In reality he wanted Drew Brees. This is me documenting those actions so he can't say this, "Oh I was just messin' with you guys," at a later time. His length of time to pick should have tipped me off to what was going to be the longest 10 team draft ever. 2 were AUTOPICKS!

League Name : CBS Will Always SUCK!

Team Name: 3 Penis Whiners

("The League" reference)

Once again, Rice went to me as I had an early pick (3rd) and the rest of the draft went like this: Ryan Grant (18), Miles Austin (23), Anquan Boldin (38), Antonio Gates (43), Terrell Owens (58), Carson Palmer (63), Dallas' D (78), Knowshon Moreno (83), Felix Jones(98), Kevin Kolb (103), Ladainian Tomlinson (118), David Akers (123), Sidney Rice (138) and Mike Williams[TB] (143). Looking, "prettay prettay prettay good." If I don't mind saying so. Pretty deep at RB so might be some trade bait there. Or in case of emergency, break open bench!

Monday 9/13/10 Update:

• No punching in this league necessary as I actually start Palmer instead of Kolb. The injury to Ryan Grant hurts considering Moreno sat on my bench with 12 points. While Grant had only 4 and a leg injury. So consider this an emergency. Grant has had ankle problems and that is what the early report is on the injury. If my complaining hasn't told you already, I am down in this game as well. Losing 77-58 with both of us having players going tonight. Rice, Gates and Charles to go while he has Dwayne Bowe and Shonn Greene. I think Green and Rice will match each other while Charles and Gates may explode. Each player is facing a sub par defense and Bowe is to. He has excellent career numbers against the Chargers. I'm not giving up, I'm just being realistic.

Monday Update ESPN League:

• Complete destruction by the Nerf Herders. Matt Forte(30 points) for MVP assisting my team to 93 points and an early 32 point lead on Team AFK. We each have players to go, Baltimore defense for me and Chris Chambers/Jerricho Cotchery for him. Saying his players were of higher caliber I may be worried. Up 32 with only a defense to play, I highly doubt the dynamic duo of Chambers and Cotchery can make up 32+. Special shout out to Ochocinco(21 points), leading the Bengals charge to second place in the AFC North. As for this game, I never will lose this large of a lead to low tier players. I know they say to never say never but I'm saying never!

Well follow the updates to see how my team is or isn't doing. Expect a new journal to tell final results. Good luck tonight to those who need some points to dominate!

Fantasy Journal - With the 11th Pick in the 2010 Draft, The Nerf Herders Select...

Ryan Grant. I know it isn't who I was hoping for but when I logged into the draft to find out what position I would have (the league commish for the 2nd year in a row had first pick, supposedly randomized) I wasn't happy. Really? 11th pick? The WR that were there were decent but not worth a #1 draft pick. So here is how it all went down.

Before the draft I had a meal which I would hope lead to the people in my house giving me some space. Red beans and rice. Unfortunately the unbearable gas didn't happen until after my draft plus my daughter would have thought my farts were hilarious. So after I raged a little at other fantasy nerds who got in there early about my late draft position I took care of some stuff around the house. Ease my mind if you will. But by the time 8:30 came around I was ready to go.

Imagine my surprise to see someone not pick Chris Johnson with the first pick. The draft went as most go, everyone taking RBs besides a couple picking up wideouts (Johnson, from the Texans and Moss, from the Pats). Luckily with the 11th pick this snake draft allows me to jump on another decent back at the 14th pick. So with those picks I made what I thought were the most solid picks left at RB with Grant and Shonne Greene. What felt like hours later I was ready to start picking up my other position players, WRs. As long as I got two decent top tier guys (one who's QB was still on the board) there wouldn't be a problem.

So of course I snagged Marquez Colston and Chad Ochocinco. Carson Palmer was a much later round pick so I knew I could sit on him. Perhaps draft another QB before taking him. The commish failed to make a flex position as he said he would so I had to grab a TE before all the decent ones were gone. Visanthe Shiancoe (from...MORGAN STATE) and Brent Celek were there and due to my loyalty from having him last year, I took Celek. So my position players looked pretty solid especially considering what I was looking at. Now due to what everyone else was doing (going crazy on defenses) the rest of the draft went like no other I normally do.

My next pick is usually a backup/matchup starter. So why not go with Matt Forte, in a Mike Martz system and looking great in preseason. If he couldn't catch out of the backfield Martz being there would hurt him more than help. After this pick I was sitting around waiting for my picks to come up and just watching a decent amount of defenses fly off the board. About 5. I knew if I wanted a top tier unit (albeit a homer pick but still) I would need to act fast. So when it came to me I hopped right on the Ravens defense/special teams. I took a glance at the rosters. Most everyone had QBs and needed more skill position help. So I thought I could let my QB spot go a little longer and picked up Thomas Jones. Yes, I know Jamaal Charles has looked a 1000x better than him but it's still Thomas Jones. He takes every one's job eventually. He most likely will get goal line carries a la Tim Hightower in Todd Haley's system 2 years ago. Now the waiting game.

Okay on the round heading up to me I start seeing QB's go off the board and realize I need to act quickly. Vince Young and David Garrard are taken. Good I didn't want them anyway. I jump on the Cutler train. I know no one wants Cutler. However he finished the season strong in his last few games and I really think Martz being there is going to make a difference for him. Last year was his worst year as a pro. One of my fantasy rules is never expect a repeat of a previous season. This being one of those cases. With my next pick I grabbed his proposed #1 target in Johnny Knox. Figuring that I could grab Carson Palmer on the next go around. Needless to say, I was wrong.

Normally I stay away from kickers until the last round. I don't draft 2 of them (or 2 defenses) because someone always steps up or has a great matchup the 1 or 2 weeks you need them. However when I saw 3 kickers jump off the board before it got back to me I knew I needed to grab the best option. Rob Bironas was there and I scooped him up. Kaeding was off first in the 7th round, Gostkowski to follow in the 8th, Nedney and Longwell in the 9th before I watched Akers (who I wanted), Mason Crosby and Garrett Hartley go. None were drafted in the 11th before I took Bironas but I would rather have him than Nedney or Longwell. I grabbed a backup WR on a reach when I scooped up Eddie Royal who is now the best option in Denver. The rounds are flying by and I realize there are only 3 more to go. Me still with no backup QB. Houston, we have a problem.

So what felt like 5 hours later, was probably a mere 5 minutes, I grab a backup QB. Matt Moore. Yet another reach for a QB. He is another one who looked decent towards the end of last season and he does face such epic defenses as Tampa Bay (this isnt 2003, Derrick Brooks isn't walking through that door), Atlanta and New Orleans. NO being the main one to worry about due to there inate ability to get turnovers. Oh look at that it's my turn to pick again. Why has no one drafted Willis McGahee? I mean especially whoever has Ray Rice should have grabbed him. Well whatever, thanks buddy. McGahee probably won't have a similar year to last year but should be useful for matchups or bye weeks. Especially if he starts getting all the goal line work. Hooray another long wait for my last pick.

With the 179th pick, the Nerf Herders select (long dramatic pause) Mike Williams. Receiver, Tampa Bay. For some reason this AM I felt the need to post this to facebook just to screw around. I thought it was funny and know that anyone who was on at the time didn't care. Honestly at that point in the draft, I didn't care. If I can get someone who has been talked about all over the web with great upside, that is a win. Williams is that guy.

So as of week 1 my roster is going to look like this...

QB - Jay Cutler
RB - Ryan Grant
RB - Matt Forte (against the Lions, sorry Suh)
WR - Marquez Colston
WR - Chad Ochocinco
D/ST - Ravens D
K - Rob Bironas

With the remainder of players hanging on the bench. More than likely, knowing me I will change everything like 80 million times but this looks good to me. Plus I am going against someone who auto picked their draft and managed to grab Sidney Rice (out until late Oct, Nov) so that will be a big fat donut in that roster spot. Since his team is named Team AFK (away from keyboard), last season he never logged in. For some reason the commish invited him back. I think, possibly the two guys are sleeping together. Which would then make sense for the awkward fantasy football name which uses a gay slur in the title. I am too grown for that, well not really.

So if you aren't sleeping already thanks for reading and I will see you back here soon. Especially since I have yet another draft on Sunday. Hooray!

Fantasy Journal - Pre Draft Jitters

Manager's log - Entry 1 - Pre-draft for ESPN League
Team: Nerf Herders

(you can't say that that's our word!)

I am sitting here, mere hours away from my first fantasy draft with pre-draft jitters. Who will I take? Where will I be drafting? Will my head explode?

The answer to those questions will be answered tonight. As far as who to draft? Now that my daughter has gone down for her nap the research/panic can begin. Overthinking it can begin. Honestly I won't know the draft order until 7:30pm EST. I will know what position I will be looking at but come on. My competitor's might read this! Don't wanna give too much away.

Those who know me know my fantasy football drafting beliefs and probably know what I am going after. I have a strong no QB policy in the first round. Don't know why, I just do. Perhaps it is my lack of a man crush on Peyton Manning who usually is the first QB to go. Maybe it is my many man crushes on other position players. Little of both I suppose. Truth is most leagues use 1 QB. I need more good position players than QBs. Not that Manning isn't great. Just that there are others that are good that put up similar if not better numbers than him.

This is my ESPN league which is with mostly people who don't know me. If they remember me from last season they will know that I drafted 5 RBs total for 14 roster spots. This is a league with 1 RB spot and a RB/WR flex spot to start. Very heavy WR based league. My RBs last season, in order of drafting, were Deangelo Williams, Frank Gore, Ray Rice, Jonathan Stewart and Lesean McCoy. I highly doubt I will get Rice as late as I did last season (unless I am in the top 5 to draft) which was a late round reach then. Now, not so much. Deangelo Williams is officially black listed from my fantasy team, he is on the banned list (read one of my previous posts from last season). Too many injuries and not enough performance after a stellar 2008. Possibly a later reach, highly unlikely though. I am hoping for a similar receiving core like I had last season.

As I said, heavy based WR league. With 3 possible spots last season (this season the roster looks to be 2 RB, 2 WR and a TE). In order of draft spot, last season I had T. J. Houschmandzadeh(hooshmazilli, championship!), Vincent Jackson, Desean Jackson (no relation and with my very next pick!) and honestly I don't remember who else. It says something that I remember all of my drafted RBs and not WRs aye? None of them matter to me this season except for D Jax. Vincent is out for the first few games(might hold out for all of them) and Hoosh is not who me or Denny Green thought he was. I pretty much filled in Hoosh's roster spot with randoms throughout the season. Same with my TE spot. Mostly filled last season by Brent Celek. The team got me the king of the loser's title. Which is not what anyone wants. All my big players got hurt in the last week of the regular season (for fantasy) and I needed a win to get into the championship round. Which looking back on it, I would have won had my players not gotten hurt. But if coulda/woulda/buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a merry fantasy season wouldn't we?

Truth is I just wanted to jot down my thoughts which I will probably doing throughout the season. Stay tuned to find out what my roster looks like in all of my leagues. Or don't. Ya jerk!

I'd like you to meet Nelson Jackson...er Steven Cruz...no wait

Ladies, gentlemen and fantasy nerds alike. I would like you to meet Nelson Cruz (on the left above). Those who own him (and his nagging hamstring injury) feel my pain. Also if those same folks play fantasy football, they could see why I would compare him to Steven Jackson. However for those who may not be familiar.

Nelson Cruz plays right field for the first place (surprisingly) Texas Rangers. If it weren't for Josh Hamilton he would be the best outfielder(possibly player) on the team. Cruz has been a monster this season, starting off with a .323 BA, .419 OBP, 7 HR, and 17 RBI in April before his first stint on the DL. Which shut him down until mid-May. Cruz burst back into the lineup only going hitless in 2 games before his second visit to the DL. A mere 14 days(13 games) later. This 2nd visit to the DL felt like an eternity but was only 3 weeks. The Rangers took more precautions due to his quickness to reinjure his hamstring previously. Leaving him on the DL an extra week so he could properly heal(and maybe learn how to stretch during pregame). His second return did not see the same results as his prior one. Cruz only managed 1 homerun in the first two weeks of his return, with several hitless games. However his return lasted much longer (nearly two months!) before breaking at least my heart. His last 4 games were insane before ripping my heart out a la Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. After 3 straight hitless games, Cruz rewarded royal owners going 7 for 17 with a HR and 3 RBI's before his third stint on the DL. Right in time for the playoff race. Thanks Nelson! If these comments sound familiar to you than perhaps Steven Jackson is a familiar name.

Add to the fact that any fantasy obsessor has drafts coming up (or already in progress/completed) for fantasy football. One should discuss the value of Steven Jackson. Who only missed one game last season(unlike previous seasons) however his performance plummeted, at least in the TD department. He only had 4 last season. He is the best weapon on a porous Rams offense that ranked 29th in the NFL last season in total offense and - thanks to Jackson - 20th in rushing. Most fantasy geeks like myself avoid Jackson due to his previous seasons (2007 & 2008) when he missed 4 games and his production went down tremendously. Everyone went crazy for Jackson after his stellar 2006 season. I know, I drafted him in 2007. He now is blacklisted from my fantasy teams. That is, unless I am desperate. Ever since then I have seen him drop as low as the fifth round before someone took him. If he goes that long this year, I may have to pull the trigger. Or I could always take a chance on Jahvid Best. If Jackson is around in the 3rd round don't be surprised. I suppose the biggest difference between Jackson and Cruz (other than the sport they play) is their ranking on their respective teams as the best player. Cruz could be seen as second or even third after Josh Hamilton and Vladimir Guerrero. While Jackson is clearly the best weapon on the Rams.

All this leads to the fact that Cruz is only one day away from coming back to the Rangers and my fantasy lineup. Or so I hope. My outfield by committee since then hasn't been great. As long as someone teaches Cruz the art of stretching his hamstring throughout the game (during pregame and every inning, seriously, we need you healthy Nelson!), I think all is well.

So You Want to Play a Fantasy Sport

So you want to play a fantasy sport eh? Well I am here to assist you with the hardest thing involving doing just that.

No, I'm not going to tell you who you should pick with your first selection. No, I'm not going to tell you how to annihilate your friends. Although I could tell you how to get annihilated by your buddies. No, that is not what this post is about. My friends and readers alike, this is about the first thing your opponent sees every week. What haunts people's dreams and nightmares. What I am going to help you do folks is...name your team.

This may seem like a mundane and silly task to some. To others (Brandon Waters) it might seem a bit difficult to be creative and come up with your own stuff. I only tease since Brandon borrowed my Lethal Interception Crew name this past season. Unlike some people, I feel the need to change my name every year a la Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Child Please/WhoGivesaCrap. All of which, in my opinion are awesome. To give you an idea of some of my team names...

B-Town Brawlers, Motherfuggin Snakes (Snakes on a Plane had just come out), AK-Forty Sevens("because when you have to kill every MFer in the room except no substitute", Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown...paraphrased a little, got to keep it clean for the kids), Lethal Interception Crew (Boondocks reference), Team Awesome-O (lame but come on, South Park rules and the league name was battle for awesomeness), A Team Named Slickback (you have to say the whole name, its like A Tribe Called Quest, another Boondocks reference) and Glorious Basterds (because Quentin Tarantino owns my soul).

Now that you have some examples you can steal them or use these few helpful tips.

1. Personnel Related Team Name

• As a fan of Chinese food and Pork Fried Rice, this season in my ESPN league , I thought about calling my team Gore Fried Rice (I had Frank Gore and Ray Rice). I have heard some classics throughout the years like Brady's Bunch, I Just Addai'd in Your Arms Tonight(personal favorite) or The Wieter-Mobile(which is just more proof how awesome Matt Wieters is. My buddy called his team this in our fantasy football league this past season and needless to say he won the championship via epic beatdown proportions). Now some I haven't seen are I'm a Manning I'm 40 (or if you have Matt Forte and a Manning, I'm a Manning I'm Forte), A Rivers Runs Through It, Open the Flood Gates, 64 Calories of MJD or Our Lord Breesus Christ. There are millions of possibilities.

2. Chappelle's Show/Boondocks/South Park/Your Favorite TV Show References

• If you aren't a fan of those selected above it is no big deal. However I have used some references from these shows and have many stored in my memory to use in the future. I haven't used all of these but here are some that can be used - The Playa Hatas, What the 5 Fingas Said to the Face(or just name your team Slap!), Team Named Slickback, Lethal Interception Crew, The Group of Flunkees, We Pee on You, Wu Tang Financial, A MFin Shark Ate Me, I Like Fishsticks, I Made Chili from Ur Parents (South Park reference in case you don't know) and the list could go on for days. Those who know me are probably shocked to not see Family Guy or Simpson references but again, this list could go on for daaaaaaaaaaays.

3. Samuel L. "MFin" Jackson Quotes

• Who Sucks? Not Me!, Motherfuggin Snakes, Yes You Deserve to Lose, I Hope You Burn in Hell, AK-Forty Sevens, Ezekiel 25:17, The Ones who Say Bad MFer on Them and honestly there are endless possibilities. Personally, avoid Black Snake Moan quotes. Most people won't want to admit they watched that movie. If you have a favorite movie of the legend that is SLJ, even if it is Black Snake Moan, take your favorite quote from the movie and make it your team name. In my opinion, it is a fantasy team name win!

4. Pop Culture References

• This can be anything current in our culture. For example, this past season my girl named her team shankapotami because of the E-Trade commercials where the baby calls the guy a shankapotomus. As you read above I named a team Glorious Basterds because readers, "business was-ah boomin'!" This method takes a little humor/creativity. I mean to get one of these all you have to do is watch the ole boob tube.

5. Sports Movie References

• In case of emergency, break open sports movie references. Since I am a fantasy football guy most of my examples are football movies but there is an enormous amount of awesome sport movies that can be referenced. Of course, I will give examples. Necessary Roughness, The Wildcats, The Program, Remember the Titans (Dismembering Titans is also a good one), The Express, Hoosiers (Whoosiers...ooo real creative right?), The Hustlers, We Got Game, I mean I could do this all day. Just like the Sam Jackson quotes, pick a favorite and run with it.

6. Music Group References

• Another never ending list is possible here where you could pick a top musician/group and just go with the flow. Perhaps I may touch on one of your favorites and you can just pilfer one of my ideas. A Tribe on a Quest(stolen from Brandon Waters), RZA the Razors(Razaz), Young Clean Gentlemen (a play on O.D.B. for those who don't know), Ghostface Killahs(spell it however you want), Who Tang Clan, MegaDEATH, Mos Def...inetly Champ, The Funky Homosapiens(Del), Beasts of Boys, Inspectah Deck You in the Face, BBD (Big Bad Dudes), Big Punishers, Disastrous Peoples, Quannum Emcees, Jedi Mind Trix and many many others. Just push the creativity button in that big brain of yours and use it with one of your favorites.

7. Support Your Team/City/Favorite Player

• Whether supporting a favorite team/player by showing them love or hate for a rival, representing a hometown/current city or dissing the location of said hated rival. However it can be done is fine. Some examples seen/used are CowboyKillaz, Ravenssuck(what makes me mad is the dude who named his team that won our league the first season we played fantasy), BlitzBerg, The Steel Curtain, Purple People Eaters, Bmore Brawlers, Urlached-in, and Ray of Light (or now maybe Ray of Rice) are just a few. Either way you go is a victory.

8. Self Promotion

• GETS YOU A MUTE! All Around The Horn references aside, this is one way to talk yourself up in your league. Have you won it all in your league? Won 8 games in a row (some sites let you change your team name anytime, as many times as you want)? Won trophies? Want a trophy? Make it known with a self promotion team name. Something like The Repeater, ThreePeat, I Own You, Complete Pwnage, Johnny 2 Time Champ (can't go wrong with a Goodfellas reference), 8 is GRRREAT, Get a Broom (since I'm sweeping the floor with you, BOO YAH! SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY!), Beatdown Central, Central Beatdown Authority (we authorize the right, to put a whoopin' on you!), etc. etc. Honestly, how would you like to mock your friends and boost your own esteem. Then insert said phrase as your team name and voila, you got yourself a self promotion team name. Now give yourself a pat on the back, you earned it!

9. Self Mockery

• Or did you earn it? Since I haven't earned squat in Yahoo or ESPN, this is going to be my route of choice when it comes to my team name. I am thinking that since I can make it to the playoffs and then choke, I could call my team the December Swooners or Cowboys Circa 2006. If I could get to the championship game repeatedly and lose...I would call my boys the Illadelphia Spiegels. Sorry Philly, haven't won a big game in football/basketball in a long time (woo Phils is what they will say). If those don't tickle your fancy, try these gems on for size. The Baltimorons (sure why not mock your hometown and your knowledge of football, Bea!), No Trophy No Problem, Playoff Pretenders, Suck-ond Place, Legendarily Bad or Can I Get A Little Less Suck. The harder you make it on yourself through a team name the more laughs people will get out of it. You might snicker a little to. Don't lie, you know you will.

10. Inside Jokes

• I don't know if you have any inside jokes with friends, especially those you play fantasy football/baseball/hockey/basketball/badminton/whatever with. Odds are you have one or two that may be able to get twisted into a team name. They could even mock someone. Know of a time a buddy used a horrible pick up line on a girl? Hey, if you remember the line, throw it in there. For example, a friend of a friend was down on the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD. His line(s) were, Hey You in the Yellow/My Watch is Nice. Two separate lines but both with the same result. Being ignored. At the time it was a pretty funny moment. Inside jokes are great to have with your friends and should always be revisited as often as possible. Especially if they mock your opponent because isn't that what fantasy sports are all about? The more you know, now cue the star to shoot over my head.

Some of you are going to say, "That's too many characters for my team name!" Well who's fault is that? Certainly not mine. Besides, who relies on some dude typing his thoughts on some lame blog to name their team anyway? Who? I'll tell you who! Not me!