So You Want to Play a Fantasy Sport

So you want to play a fantasy sport eh? Well I am here to assist you with the hardest thing involving doing just that.

No, I'm not going to tell you who you should pick with your first selection. No, I'm not going to tell you how to annihilate your friends. Although I could tell you how to get annihilated by your buddies. No, that is not what this post is about. My friends and readers alike, this is about the first thing your opponent sees every week. What haunts people's dreams and nightmares. What I am going to help you do folks is...name your team.

This may seem like a mundane and silly task to some. To others (Brandon Waters) it might seem a bit difficult to be creative and come up with your own stuff. I only tease since Brandon borrowed my Lethal Interception Crew name this past season. Unlike some people, I feel the need to change my name every year a la Chad Johnson/Ochocinco/Child Please/WhoGivesaCrap. All of which, in my opinion are awesome. To give you an idea of some of my team names...

B-Town Brawlers, Motherfuggin Snakes (Snakes on a Plane had just come out), AK-Forty Sevens("because when you have to kill every MFer in the room except no substitute", Sam Jackson in Jackie Brown...paraphrased a little, got to keep it clean for the kids), Lethal Interception Crew (Boondocks reference), Team Awesome-O (lame but come on, South Park rules and the league name was battle for awesomeness), A Team Named Slickback (you have to say the whole name, its like A Tribe Called Quest, another Boondocks reference) and Glorious Basterds (because Quentin Tarantino owns my soul).

Now that you have some examples you can steal them or use these few helpful tips.

1. Personnel Related Team Name

• As a fan of Chinese food and Pork Fried Rice, this season in my ESPN league , I thought about calling my team Gore Fried Rice (I had Frank Gore and Ray Rice). I have heard some classics throughout the years like Brady's Bunch, I Just Addai'd in Your Arms Tonight(personal favorite) or The Wieter-Mobile(which is just more proof how awesome Matt Wieters is. My buddy called his team this in our fantasy football league this past season and needless to say he won the championship via epic beatdown proportions). Now some I haven't seen are I'm a Manning I'm 40 (or if you have Matt Forte and a Manning, I'm a Manning I'm Forte), A Rivers Runs Through It, Open the Flood Gates, 64 Calories of MJD or Our Lord Breesus Christ. There are millions of possibilities.

2. Chappelle's Show/Boondocks/South Park/Your Favorite TV Show References

• If you aren't a fan of those selected above it is no big deal. However I have used some references from these shows and have many stored in my memory to use in the future. I haven't used all of these but here are some that can be used - The Playa Hatas, What the 5 Fingas Said to the Face(or just name your team Slap!), Team Named Slickback, Lethal Interception Crew, The Group of Flunkees, We Pee on You, Wu Tang Financial, A MFin Shark Ate Me, I Like Fishsticks, I Made Chili from Ur Parents (South Park reference in case you don't know) and the list could go on for days. Those who know me are probably shocked to not see Family Guy or Simpson references but again, this list could go on for daaaaaaaaaaays.

3. Samuel L. "MFin" Jackson Quotes

• Who Sucks? Not Me!, Motherfuggin Snakes, Yes You Deserve to Lose, I Hope You Burn in Hell, AK-Forty Sevens, Ezekiel 25:17, The Ones who Say Bad MFer on Them and honestly there are endless possibilities. Personally, avoid Black Snake Moan quotes. Most people won't want to admit they watched that movie. If you have a favorite movie of the legend that is SLJ, even if it is Black Snake Moan, take your favorite quote from the movie and make it your team name. In my opinion, it is a fantasy team name win!

4. Pop Culture References

• This can be anything current in our culture. For example, this past season my girl named her team shankapotami because of the E-Trade commercials where the baby calls the guy a shankapotomus. As you read above I named a team Glorious Basterds because readers, "business was-ah boomin'!" This method takes a little humor/creativity. I mean to get one of these all you have to do is watch the ole boob tube.

5. Sports Movie References

• In case of emergency, break open sports movie references. Since I am a fantasy football guy most of my examples are football movies but there is an enormous amount of awesome sport movies that can be referenced. Of course, I will give examples. Necessary Roughness, The Wildcats, The Program, Remember the Titans (Dismembering Titans is also a good one), The Express, Hoosiers (Whoosiers...ooo real creative right?), The Hustlers, We Got Game, I mean I could do this all day. Just like the Sam Jackson quotes, pick a favorite and run with it.

6. Music Group References

• Another never ending list is possible here where you could pick a top musician/group and just go with the flow. Perhaps I may touch on one of your favorites and you can just pilfer one of my ideas. A Tribe on a Quest(stolen from Brandon Waters), RZA the Razors(Razaz), Young Clean Gentlemen (a play on O.D.B. for those who don't know), Ghostface Killahs(spell it however you want), Who Tang Clan, MegaDEATH, Mos Def...inetly Champ, The Funky Homosapiens(Del), Beasts of Boys, Inspectah Deck You in the Face, BBD (Big Bad Dudes), Big Punishers, Disastrous Peoples, Quannum Emcees, Jedi Mind Trix and many many others. Just push the creativity button in that big brain of yours and use it with one of your favorites.

7. Support Your Team/City/Favorite Player

• Whether supporting a favorite team/player by showing them love or hate for a rival, representing a hometown/current city or dissing the location of said hated rival. However it can be done is fine. Some examples seen/used are CowboyKillaz, Ravenssuck(what makes me mad is the dude who named his team that won our league the first season we played fantasy), BlitzBerg, The Steel Curtain, Purple People Eaters, Bmore Brawlers, Urlached-in, and Ray of Light (or now maybe Ray of Rice) are just a few. Either way you go is a victory.

8. Self Promotion

• GETS YOU A MUTE! All Around The Horn references aside, this is one way to talk yourself up in your league. Have you won it all in your league? Won 8 games in a row (some sites let you change your team name anytime, as many times as you want)? Won trophies? Want a trophy? Make it known with a self promotion team name. Something like The Repeater, ThreePeat, I Own You, Complete Pwnage, Johnny 2 Time Champ (can't go wrong with a Goodfellas reference), 8 is GRRREAT, Get a Broom (since I'm sweeping the floor with you, BOO YAH! SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY!), Beatdown Central, Central Beatdown Authority (we authorize the right, to put a whoopin' on you!), etc. etc. Honestly, how would you like to mock your friends and boost your own esteem. Then insert said phrase as your team name and voila, you got yourself a self promotion team name. Now give yourself a pat on the back, you earned it!

9. Self Mockery

• Or did you earn it? Since I haven't earned squat in Yahoo or ESPN, this is going to be my route of choice when it comes to my team name. I am thinking that since I can make it to the playoffs and then choke, I could call my team the December Swooners or Cowboys Circa 2006. If I could get to the championship game repeatedly and lose...I would call my boys the Illadelphia Spiegels. Sorry Philly, haven't won a big game in football/basketball in a long time (woo Phils is what they will say). If those don't tickle your fancy, try these gems on for size. The Baltimorons (sure why not mock your hometown and your knowledge of football, Bea!), No Trophy No Problem, Playoff Pretenders, Suck-ond Place, Legendarily Bad or Can I Get A Little Less Suck. The harder you make it on yourself through a team name the more laughs people will get out of it. You might snicker a little to. Don't lie, you know you will.

10. Inside Jokes

• I don't know if you have any inside jokes with friends, especially those you play fantasy football/baseball/hockey/basketball/badminton/whatever with. Odds are you have one or two that may be able to get twisted into a team name. They could even mock someone. Know of a time a buddy used a horrible pick up line on a girl? Hey, if you remember the line, throw it in there. For example, a friend of a friend was down on the boardwalk in Ocean City, MD. His line(s) were, Hey You in the Yellow/My Watch is Nice. Two separate lines but both with the same result. Being ignored. At the time it was a pretty funny moment. Inside jokes are great to have with your friends and should always be revisited as often as possible. Especially if they mock your opponent because isn't that what fantasy sports are all about? The more you know, now cue the star to shoot over my head.

Some of you are going to say, "That's too many characters for my team name!" Well who's fault is that? Certainly not mine. Besides, who relies on some dude typing his thoughts on some lame blog to name their team anyway? Who? I'll tell you who! Not me!