10 Things I Have Learned About Fantasy Football

So after my improbable dismissal from the ONLY league I was eligible for a championship, I thought I should pass along a little advice. This also could be considered a cry for help to the man who utterly owned me this week (he had Ray Rice, Andre Johnson, Buffalo defense and Jay Feely), I hate you. Hate is such a strong word, despise sounds better.

So the top 10 things I have learned about Fantasy Football...

10) I am the Dallas Cowboys of Fantasy Football

Yeah I know I am an 8 win team in the regular season but let's face it, I just can't win in any format besides CBS. I would fire my coach but I just don't have the heart. I like him too much. Besides, he is great in the regular season!

9) Don't believe the hype of last year

This is directed at Steve Slaton. He utterly killed me this year. I drafted him as my second back to Maurice Jones Drew. I love MJD and would pick him again in a second. However I will be against having Slaton on my team ever....EVER...AGAIN! He is now added to the banned player list which leads me to..

8) Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

Without completely mocking "Dubbya", I can never be fooled again. Previous drafts for me lead me to my banned from my team list. On that list is, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson and Drew Brees. Why Drew Brees? I don't want to ruin his career. He is only great for me when he is on my bench. Call it voodoo, call it whatever you will, Drew Brees will not be on my roster. I like him too much.

7) Time to invite my buddies significant others

Previously to this season I haven't had to live down the infamous, "Dude even your girl made it further then you!" In my defense my girlfriend actually does follow football and knows 99% of the players and all of which who are on her roster. However my aunt doesn't even know who Adrian Peterson is. "I just drafted who was at the top of the list, who is this Adrian Peterson guy?" Also she once picked Kyle Boller and said that Yahoo! suggested it. NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! She always makes the playoffs! ALWAYS! Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

6) In case of emergency...

I have known this after my first season when I watched another team fall apart. However my lesson didn't stick this year when I dropped Jonathan Stewart who I had drafted for this very rule. If you draft Ronnie Brown, Deangelo Williams, Brian Westbrook, Larry Johnson or Steven Jackson grab their backup later in the draft(like you will for Stewart, Ricky Williams or Lesean McCoy). If not that at least keep an eye on the waiver wire because other owners are vultures. They love to watch you squirm and panic.

5) Do you want to play the repeater?

Do you want to play the repeater? All Super Troopers quotes aside, no one ever has a repeat performance of the previous season. Who here wants to drive to Atlanta to punch Michael Turner in the face? Well, maybe not that since he is bigger then you. But don't you want to kick him in the shin? No, because he could sue. Don't you want to write him a nasty e-mail? There it is. Don't draft a guy who has a blow up season the year before and expect the same results. If Brady and Manning can't do it, who can? These are just some shenanigans, no one likes my shenanigans, oooooh silly shenanigans! Or you could go to that place with all the crap on the walls and the mozzarella sticks. (too many references for you, TOO BAD)

4) There are exactly 10 QBs worth their weight in gold

Maybe not even that but what I mean by this is that there are only a few quarterbacks that are going to average double digit points for you. Everyone knows a few (Brees, Manning, Favre, Rivers, Warner, etc). You need to grab the one that no one thinks of. This season that was Favre and Matt Schaub. While everyone was spending their first QB pick on Tom Brady, probably because he is so dreamy, the person who got Schaub later scooped up another position player. I'm not saying to grab Schaub with your first pick next year, especially since there is always a sleeper. My pick for next year is Joe Flacco. Call me Wacko for Flacco if you want. The guy is going to be an absolute beast next year, that is, as long as Derrick Mason doesn't retire again.

3) Late round running back WIN!

The past two years we have seen later round backs go absolutely crazy. As a Raven fan I am super happy that this year it was Ray Rice. Every year there is always one and I can't even pretend who next year's is going to be. The guy could get drafted this year. I only have been lucky enough one season when I drafted Adrian Peterson in his rookie season(in like the 10th round). It was the first and last time I was able to say that he was on my roster. You are sadly missed sir. However I did hit a homerun with a late round WR in Percy Harvin. So...there's that.

2) Hit the waiver wire early for sleepers

I can't say how many times I got on to my fantasy site on Tuesday afternoon to see a couple of people already active in picking up guys I wanted to scoop up for bye week fills or injury replacements. This year it killed me since I needed a TON of running back help with Slaton not doing much/getting hurt. Add to the fact that owners can start 3 in my leagues and anyone can see how I could have a problem. Also there are such things as making too many moves. Something I do a lot. My name is Brandan Spiegel and I am an over thinker when it comes to fantasy football. Where's the free coffee and baked goods?

Ladies and Gentleman, the number one thing I have learned about fantasy football is...

1) Play with people you are friends/enemies/or at least know

If there is one thing that The League (best comedy on FX...EVER) has taught us, it is that a tight knit group of buddies playing fantasy football is pretty awesome. It is like a family. A very, very dysfunctional family. One that you may call gay, retarded or threaten to kill on a weekly basis. One that you can threaten harm, deadly diseases or tragic ways to die on players who have scorned you that week. Now, losses in leagues of people that aren't known don't hurt less. It is a lot easier to get away from them when you lose to some schmo who has never met you. Saying all this there is only one other thing to say. A message to Alex Tirdil, Antoine Pollard, Brandon Waters, Michelle Landers, Bea Wells, Lauren Webster, John Moore, Marcel Cottman, and Nick Barnes...I hate you guys and I love you guys.

If you don't get it readers, you are missing out on quite a fantasy football group. Call them your best buddy, your girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, significant other(or insignificant other once you guys play fantasy together, BAHZINGA), uncle, aunt, co-worker it doesn't matter. Once September starts, another part of you opens up. Even discussions about the league in June get you pumped up. "When is the draft?" "Who you pickin'?" "Dude you suck!" Oh yes, it begins when you set up the league. My readers, the fun never stops. It lasts a lifetime.

Why Does Merril Hoge Hate Baltimore?

So I'm sitting on my big comfy brown couch engaging in my normal everyday morning ritual of watching Sportscenter when what do I see on the helpful sidebar index of the show? AFC playoff picks with Merril Hoge. In the segment Hoge is going to go over last year's playoff teams and "predict" who will make the playoffs. Of those teams that don't make it he will go over who will make it instead. A light bulb goes off in my head to do the same thing until I actually watched his analysis.

Readers in case you have forgotten who those playoff teams were last year from the AFC here is some help. The division winners were Miami Dolphins (East), Pittsburgh Steelers (North), Tennessee Titans (South) and the San Diego Chargers (West). Wild card teams were the Indianapolis Colts and, a team close to this writer's heart and home, the Baltimore Ravens.

By the title of the article you may have guessed which team Hoge decided would not make the playoffs. Along with the Miami Dolphins, who Hoge said is a good team but would not be able to do what they did last season in their division, he chose Baltimore to be hanging at home come January. This doesn't bother me until he gets to who will replace these teams. New England (duh!) is who he expects to take the East over the Dolphins and to take the other wild card spot, drum roll please, the pride of Ohio (not Ohio State but that team is honestly better then...), the Cincinnati Bengals.

WHAT?!? I mean Hoge has a pair to actually pick them but his analysis as to why the Ravens wouldn't make it was that our defense is getting old (Ray Lewis and Trevor Pryce are but we still have the Suggernaut and someone who can Reed a QB's eyes very well) and how much he likes Joe Flacco. Then he goes and picks the Bungles? Is it because they have their own show on HBO? Vinny Chase and the boys from Entourage are going to take the West? Well Hoge if you watched HBO previously you would know that The Wire is real!

Hoge likes the Bengals because they finished strong after starting the season 1-11-1 winning their final 3 games. I'm quoting Woody Paige when I say, "look at the schedule!" In their final 3 weeks the Bengals (without Palmer) played the Redskins, Browns and Chiefs. By my recollection those teams were awful last year. 8-8, 4-12 and 2-14 (all last place in their divisions) with the best team being beaten in Cincinnati. Their best offensive weapon in the games, ironically enough that was Cedric Benson, was playing against terrible rushing defenses and their best receiving weapon is on another coast in Seattle. I would say that Hoge is bleeding Steelers black and gold but he still went in the division. Whatever, hater in the house!

So I can't really mock the guy if I don't man up and make my own predictions. Like Hoge I wouldn't be surprised if the Steelers do repeat as champs. If they did we would have yet another dynasty for this millennium(3 titles in 4 years). So here goes, New England will win the East(as long as Brady doesn't get hurt again), Baltimore will split the season series with the Steelers and take the division(then probably lose to them in the playoffs), San Diego (will have the best record since they play 3 JV teams in their own division) will win the West and the Titans will take the South. Pittsburgh and Houston will be your wild card teams. Houston can be a playoff team as long as they get consistency, not injury, from Matt Schaub. The team went 8-8 however they finished 5-1 beating a playoff team in Tennessee, not just crappy teams. They have enough young talent, Slaton ran all over the Colts and Jags last season, and Andre Johnson entered beast mode last year leading the league in receiving yards. Excellent compliments in Kevin Walter(WR) and Owen Daniels (TE) assist in Johnson getting a lot of those yards. The team has an up and coming defense with Mario Williams, obviously not a bust, owning offensive tackles on a regular.

So short list for you all, opening playoff weekend expect the Steelers @ Ravens and Texans @ Titans with the Chargers and Patriots with the bye. Think you are better then me? Go ahead and take a guess, man/woman up! Join me in the hate of Hoge Baltimoreans! Or just join me in the confusion of him picking the Bengals to make it to the playoffs. Since hate is such a strong word.