Five More Things I Hate About....the Cleveland Browns

credit: NFL memes

Yeah, I know we are no picnic either this season. However, we aren't the toilet bowl on a regular basis that is the Cleveland Browns. Besides, even with us being terrible I can still hate whoever the hell I want. This is 'murica dammit, why Abraham Lincoln chopped down that maple tree or whatever. Kidding....kidding. What I am not kidding about is that pile of hot garbage that is the Cleveland Browns.

1) Josh McCown owned our souls

That game was hard to watch. As someone who was in the stands, every time their offense was on the field the air was sucked out of the stadium after each and every first down the defense gave up. McCown would go on to have a career day with the Browns receivers. Not even the good one who is a massive stoner! I mean what the hell is that? It was frustrating to hear a guy's name so much who I honestly thought could have given me an honest discount double check at a State Farm branch(Gary Barnidge). Worse yet, I know all of you had to hear it from the usual suspects about making this clown look like the G.O.A.T. It was when I knew our season was done for. I had hope and then this jerkwad had to take a big dump on my dreams. Thanks a lot Josh McCown...you dream crusher!

2) They ruin former Ravens

Credit: Cleveland Browns Memes

Let us look at their history. They always seem to grab up our players after they have stellar seasons and we can't/won't afford them. Kruger is the most recent but think about all the previous guys who haven't amounted to jack squat on their team. Jamal Lewis was a shell of himself in Cleveland. As was Gary Baxter. You hear that Cleveland?!? You're team is a toilet flushing the careers of these poor guys who USED to be successful. Congratulations buttholes. Well whatever, they left for the money anyway. They knew they weren't going to win the big one. At least Kruger and Lewis got a ring first.

3) This game is being promoted as a game for draft picks

Jesus tap dancing Christ. I think I liked it better when it was promoted as, a rivalry game that for some reason the Ravens will keep close for far too long before just blowing them away. Currently we are a game up on Cleveland in the division and would be a few picks behind them in the draft. I...I can't. I can't do this! I will not discuss draft position. Who cares? The Browns will waste theirs on some idiot and we will trade down for depth. Seriously who gives a crap. ESPN must be promoting it that way to tie in Monday Night Football and the draft. Well played...

4) Johnny Manziel's Overpublicized Drinking Problems

Don't get me wrong, I will not make fun of alcoholism...just Johnny Manziel's alcoholism. First of all, if the douche wants to start drinking after being in rehab for months during the offseason then so be it. However, that isn't part of the 12 steps Johnny. No where in there does it say to dress up like Scooby Doo and go party. Personally, I never understood why people were so head over heels for this guy. Again just another reason ESPN needs more things to do with their spare time. Focus on more than one pompous career backup at best. His big PR nightmare has just been wonderful and has now cost him the starting job. Here I thought him being god awful would do that for him. 

That being said, just say no Johnny....just say no.

5) I think I might just sleep this one out

I might just have a tryptophan hangover for 5 days and sleep this one out. I mean honestly I might make it through 20 minutes of the Matt Schaub era before I throw up and go to sleep. Possibly in that order. Maybe not? Gotta keep it interesting. Anyway this is a game between a team with more than 50% of the big skill players injured and the Browns. THE BROWNS! Who decided to give them a Monday night game in the first place? Smooth move Goodell! I am thinking that the season finale rerun of The Walking Dead will get better ratings. You know it's going to be on again, you know you are going to watch it for easter eggs. Tasty.


With that being said, hope all the readers have a happy and safe Thanksgiving holiday. Filled with naps and football games better than this one.

All in all this is just a down and out season and I hope these little hate articles are helping you all through these tough times. I know that it helps me get the rage out of the closet. Its like the polar opposite of Little Sweet, just mad and not smooth at all. Not moving up a banister defying gravity but breaking said banister with someone's face! Think the Hulk with Loki in The Avengers.

Five Things I Hate About...the Cleveland Browns

It is pretty easy to hate this team. Unlike the Raiders (even though they have looked surprisingly not terrible) the Browns are a division rival of a town our team "migrated" from. While I do utterly enjoy their awful ability (most of the time) to play the game of football, there are times where they do surprise us. Unfortunately, that doesn't make me hate them any less.

1) They act like Art Modell was Robert Irsay

First of all, shut up. Second of all, shut up. I mean, the man moved a team with plenty of notice and let the city keep the history. Sure, I know it sucks that the team left. Let's be real, if they stayed in Cleveland they weren't going to win the Super Bowl like the Ravens did. Unless this is an alternate universe and your team was actually good. It has gotten to the point where a fan went to his grave and relieved himself on it. I mean, that is class with a capital GFY. Kids tell your parents to google that one. Anyway, Modell and Irsay aren't in the same conversation. When a man leaves you in the middle of the night with no notice and runs off with a franchise you call me you whiny losers!

Wait don't, I don't think I have enough anytime minutes.

2) Viewing Johnny Manziel like the team drafted the G.O.A.T.

Watching this poor over privileged kid suffer his bumps and bruises is very amusing. Mostly because it just means the Browns have no idea what to do. The thing that got me was ESPNs wall to wall coverage of the kid. WHY? I mean, let's just be honest with ourselves. I am! I know that Ozzie Newsome can't draft a top tier wideout. Everything else, sure. The modern day Browns CAN'T draft and develop a quarterback. Let's look at your craptacular history with the second coming. Just since 2009 you have had 12 quarterbacks start, (22 since you reentered the league in 1999). You have ruined the lives of Brady Quinn, Tim Couch, Brandon Weeden and Colt McCoy just to name a few. Do yourself a favor and pick up from the trash heap of the rest of the league and leave the drafting of QBs to the professionals. Morons!

3) They think they are going to the playoffs every year

I'm all for supporting your team. We had lovable losers for 14 straight seasons over at Camden Yards. We accepted their inability to win until they actually were playing well IN THE END OF THE SEASON! I don't care if your P.O.S. team is playing well up until week 4. They more than likely have a new coach who hasn't proven squat and neither has upper management. When they still matter in week 10, fine. When I see their fans going ape after 4 weeks of the season and they are miraculously in first (obviously not this year but for example, 2013 when the Steelers were 0-4). Easy Romeo. You're team isn't consistent enough to brag at all. Let nature take it's course and have the season smash their head with a rock.

4) The Dog...Dawg...Duhog...whatever pound

Look, I don't get it. I don't understand the association with dogs and your team. It makes no damn sense. Most of you are wearing those stupid, glum dog masks. What's your deal? Ugly face? Big Arsenio Hall fan? Not wanting to be seen at a Browns game perhaps? Either way, I'm going to need you to give me a history lesson to tie the two together. Wait, scratch that, I don't care. Enjoy watching hot garbage on the field loser.

5) Cleveland does NOT in fact, rock

I've never been to Cleveland but I hear it's pretty awful there. Oooooo the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame....and we're done sight seeing. I mean, you can try and blame Lebron leaving on effecting the downtown area but he's back now so you can't blame Lebron for anything....can you? Your best known for being utter failures so if you could just keep doing that that would be great. Stay crappy Cleveland!

Man, the hate is strong. That wraps up this edition. Think I took it easy on them? Feel free to jump in the comments with your suggestions for more hate towards Cleveland. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it.