10 Things I Have Learned About Fantasy Football

So after my improbable dismissal from the ONLY league I was eligible for a championship, I thought I should pass along a little advice. This also could be considered a cry for help to the man who utterly owned me this week (he had Ray Rice, Andre Johnson, Buffalo defense and Jay Feely), I hate you. Hate is such a strong word, despise sounds better.

So the top 10 things I have learned about Fantasy Football...

10) I am the Dallas Cowboys of Fantasy Football

Yeah I know I am an 8 win team in the regular season but let's face it, I just can't win in any format besides CBS. I would fire my coach but I just don't have the heart. I like him too much. Besides, he is great in the regular season!

9) Don't believe the hype of last year

This is directed at Steve Slaton. He utterly killed me this year. I drafted him as my second back to Maurice Jones Drew. I love MJD and would pick him again in a second. However I will be against having Slaton on my team ever....EVER...AGAIN! He is now added to the banned player list which leads me to..

8) Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...

Without completely mocking "Dubbya", I can never be fooled again. Previous drafts for me lead me to my banned from my team list. On that list is, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson and Drew Brees. Why Drew Brees? I don't want to ruin his career. He is only great for me when he is on my bench. Call it voodoo, call it whatever you will, Drew Brees will not be on my roster. I like him too much.

7) Time to invite my buddies significant others

Previously to this season I haven't had to live down the infamous, "Dude even your girl made it further then you!" In my defense my girlfriend actually does follow football and knows 99% of the players and all of which who are on her roster. However my aunt doesn't even know who Adrian Peterson is. "I just drafted who was at the top of the list, who is this Adrian Peterson guy?" Also she once picked Kyle Boller and said that Yahoo! suggested it. NO ONE BELIEVES YOU! She always makes the playoffs! ALWAYS! Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

6) In case of emergency...

I have known this after my first season when I watched another team fall apart. However my lesson didn't stick this year when I dropped Jonathan Stewart who I had drafted for this very rule. If you draft Ronnie Brown, Deangelo Williams, Brian Westbrook, Larry Johnson or Steven Jackson grab their backup later in the draft(like you will for Stewart, Ricky Williams or Lesean McCoy). If not that at least keep an eye on the waiver wire because other owners are vultures. They love to watch you squirm and panic.

5) Do you want to play the repeater?

Do you want to play the repeater? All Super Troopers quotes aside, no one ever has a repeat performance of the previous season. Who here wants to drive to Atlanta to punch Michael Turner in the face? Well, maybe not that since he is bigger then you. But don't you want to kick him in the shin? No, because he could sue. Don't you want to write him a nasty e-mail? There it is. Don't draft a guy who has a blow up season the year before and expect the same results. If Brady and Manning can't do it, who can? These are just some shenanigans, no one likes my shenanigans, oooooh silly shenanigans! Or you could go to that place with all the crap on the walls and the mozzarella sticks. (too many references for you, TOO BAD)

4) There are exactly 10 QBs worth their weight in gold

Maybe not even that but what I mean by this is that there are only a few quarterbacks that are going to average double digit points for you. Everyone knows a few (Brees, Manning, Favre, Rivers, Warner, etc). You need to grab the one that no one thinks of. This season that was Favre and Matt Schaub. While everyone was spending their first QB pick on Tom Brady, probably because he is so dreamy, the person who got Schaub later scooped up another position player. I'm not saying to grab Schaub with your first pick next year, especially since there is always a sleeper. My pick for next year is Joe Flacco. Call me Wacko for Flacco if you want. The guy is going to be an absolute beast next year, that is, as long as Derrick Mason doesn't retire again.

3) Late round running back WIN!

The past two years we have seen later round backs go absolutely crazy. As a Raven fan I am super happy that this year it was Ray Rice. Every year there is always one and I can't even pretend who next year's is going to be. The guy could get drafted this year. I only have been lucky enough one season when I drafted Adrian Peterson in his rookie season(in like the 10th round). It was the first and last time I was able to say that he was on my roster. You are sadly missed sir. However I did hit a homerun with a late round WR in Percy Harvin. So...there's that.

2) Hit the waiver wire early for sleepers

I can't say how many times I got on to my fantasy site on Tuesday afternoon to see a couple of people already active in picking up guys I wanted to scoop up for bye week fills or injury replacements. This year it killed me since I needed a TON of running back help with Slaton not doing much/getting hurt. Add to the fact that owners can start 3 in my leagues and anyone can see how I could have a problem. Also there are such things as making too many moves. Something I do a lot. My name is Brandan Spiegel and I am an over thinker when it comes to fantasy football. Where's the free coffee and baked goods?

Ladies and Gentleman, the number one thing I have learned about fantasy football is...

1) Play with people you are friends/enemies/or at least know

If there is one thing that The League (best comedy on FX...EVER) has taught us, it is that a tight knit group of buddies playing fantasy football is pretty awesome. It is like a family. A very, very dysfunctional family. One that you may call gay, retarded or threaten to kill on a weekly basis. One that you can threaten harm, deadly diseases or tragic ways to die on players who have scorned you that week. Now, losses in leagues of people that aren't known don't hurt less. It is a lot easier to get away from them when you lose to some schmo who has never met you. Saying all this there is only one other thing to say. A message to Alex Tirdil, Antoine Pollard, Brandon Waters, Michelle Landers, Bea Wells, Lauren Webster, John Moore, Marcel Cottman, and Nick Barnes...I hate you guys and I love you guys.

If you don't get it readers, you are missing out on quite a fantasy football group. Call them your best buddy, your girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, significant other(or insignificant other once you guys play fantasy together, BAHZINGA), uncle, aunt, co-worker it doesn't matter. Once September starts, another part of you opens up. Even discussions about the league in June get you pumped up. "When is the draft?" "Who you pickin'?" "Dude you suck!" Oh yes, it begins when you set up the league. My readers, the fun never stops. It lasts a lifetime.

Fantasy Player Hatas Ball

Welcome to my first annual Fantasy Player Hatas Ball. Where we hate hate hate hate hate! Is it too early to write about fantasy football? I say no however Brandon Waters says yes. On the weekends he stunt doubles for Little Richard in gay movies. Moving on, due to me sending out my league invites already I figure that it is finally time for some fantasy smack talk. So here are ten players(in no particular order) I will be avoiding like the plague.

Jay Cutler, QB Bitc....I mean Bears - I only rag him because well, he is a little girl if you threaten to trade him. Meaning you can't use him as trade bait because if no one bites he will demand a trade/underperform. That being said I would like to congratulate him on being traded to a team with one offensive weapon(unfortunately for Cutler its Matt Forte in the backfield) and their best WR has stone hands. If you are expecting similar numbers to last season you are insane UNLESS they sign Plaxic"OW MY LEG" Burress. Even then he would be a decent second option/last ditch effort if Derek Anderson is your only choice.

Braylon Edwards WR Browns - Okay I got this guy in the 2nd round last year and obviously completely regret it. It thrilled me when I was FINALLY able to cut him and replace him with Kevin Walters from the Texans. This guy had the potential for a fabulous season but, other then the Giant game, dropped all his points away. The fact that I am a Ravens fan probably adds to the hatred I have for him. So all those in my leagues by all means...draft him, you can TOTALLY have him.

Ladainian Tomlinson RB Chargers - While I love me some LT he just has been too injury prone lately. Tomlinson has carried this team for a lot of years and his body is starting to show that. Whatever campaign he wants to run to be in the first round of the draft is crazy. The Chargers wouldn't even do that, if they would have they wouldn't have franchised the pocket rocket Darren Sproles. The team belongs to Philip Rivers now and rightfully so after his pro bowl snubbing season a year ago. I am not saying he has no value, I am just saying he doesn't deserve to go early.

Chad Ochocinco WR Bengals - On any other team I would think he might have a decent season. Palmer will get him the ball if the line allows him to but their lack of a running game (their primary option is Cedric Benson) will have its effect on Chad. Will he burn the Ravens in Cincy this year? Probably, but I will take my chances with a solid number one like...oh I dunno...Houschmazoud, CHAMPIONSHIP

I am not slacking people, I can spell the name(and Google it to make sure) TJ Houschmandzadeh...CHAMPIONSHIP(if you are clueless then check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vs1N5NYyb24)

Willis McGahee RB Ravens - Even your head coach hates yo guts, in fact I don't even know you and I hate yo guts. Ray Rice is "looking like he could be an every down back," says Harbaugh and Le'Ron McClain, not only makes me want to use thousands of Die Hard references, but is automatic inside the 5. Should one of these guys get hurt he could be a decent option but he has to impress John Harbaugh throughout OTA's, training camp and preseason while not getting hurt. Good luck.

Willie Parker RB Steelers - Okay before you say I am biased to hate on a Steeler consider this, Parker has had a serious injury the past two seasons resulting in a lot of missed time (just ask Michelle). Even when Parker is playing he isn't really sniffing the end zone a whole lot. Unless you are in a league that highly benefits yardage then he isn't going to score you a whole bunch of points. Parker would be an okay pick up in the later rounds however most people(Michelle) will probably snag him early stupidly.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers Defense - This one is obvious, however I hate the fact that Derrick Brooks is gone and one of the most potent Ds a year ago is going to be pretty awful this year. There is a youth movement and their offense is relying on Byron Leftwich which just means the D will be on the field more. Well at least they have young legs to run all day.

Eli Manning QB Giants - Consider that Burress, Ward and Toomer are gone. Now consider whats left. He's Old Mother Hubbard and only rookies are in the cupboard. If Hixon learns to catch then maybe they have a chance. At least he still has Kevin Boss and Brandon Jacobs. He is the wrong Manning to have on your team, even Peyton couldn't save the Giants.

Brett Favre QB Old Timers NFL - Okay if me burning him before wasn't bad enough I will continue my Favre hatred. If you had him two years ago, good for you. If you were still playing him after week 12 last year, you lost your league and blame Brett Favre for ruining your fantasy life. Before your drafts occur you will know whether or not he will return and if he does do not expect a great season. His arm is sore, he's old and he only has one good weapon. Berrian is great for a deep ball saying he goes to the Vikings but he was either shutout or scored very low most weeks last season. So its all or nothing with anyone on the Vikings not named Adrian Peterson.

Antonio Bryant WR Buccaneers - Bryant edges out the Bills receivers who will want every pass thrown their way. T.O. and Lee Evans will probably still have a decent year, pick your poison though. Now, back to Bryant. Until they have a solid understanding of who their starting QB is then I don't see him having a fabulous season. Byron Leftwich will probably be the starter unless Josh Freeman amazes people in training camp. Consider Leftwich's previous experience with talented wideouts, only Jimmy Smith had okay numbers. They were nothing to drool over.

So consider yourselves hated upon. Take a chance if you want on them but don't come crying to me when they fail. However I am almost positive that if I'm wrong someone will have something to say. Now if you will excuse me I have to go put some water in Antoine's momma's dish, good evenin'.

Special thanks for some quotes from Chappelle's Show. I can't come up with all this genius alone.